Want A Boyfriend? Let HIM Work For It!

Trying and failing to land a boyfriend? Struggling to lock him down? Sleeping with him in hopes he wants something more? If you can’t seem to reach the boyfriend-girlfriend title, you may be making some dating mistakes:

Mistake #1: Coming on too strong—Let him pursue you, he likes the chase!
Mistake #2: Sleeping together too soon—You want to get put in the girlfriend category, not hook up rotation!

This may be hard for feminists to hear (and it’s difficult for me to write, as in most aspects of life I am all about breaking down gender roles), but when it comes to dating early on (I’m talking about the first 1-5 dates), you may have the most success if you allow the man you are interested in to pursue you.

He wants to feel masculine, he wants to work for you, he likes a chase. 

This may be really hard if you are a confident, go-getter, independent woman (cue Destiny's Child's song), but there is something to be said for the initial chase of a new relationship.

I don’t believe in playing games or creating rules around dating, but I have definitely noticed a pattern in getting past the second or third date.  If this is when he plays the disappearing act, you may be sending the wrong message.

From personal experiences of trying all different approaches, as well as counseling many women and men through dating drama, I have found that those who make it from a first date to an exclusive dating relationship typically take on masculine and feminine roles.  I’m not saying to change your personality or be someone you’re not—this person is ultimately trying to get to know you, so be comfortable in your own skin! However, there may be little ways to tweak your behavior if you keep having similar failed experiences.

If you really like to take control, plan dates, or tend to come on too strongly (either sexually or through emotional attachment), try some of these tips to increase femininity without changing who you are:

You can still initiate contact during online dating—by all means be the first to check out his profile, send a “flirt” or initial message. Show him you’re interested by making flirtatious comments or entice him by saying you’ll tell him more when you meet in person, but ultimately let him be the one to ask you out. You should also allow him to plan the first date. If he catches your eye when you're out and about, flash a smile or hold lingering eye contact. These are signals that you're interested and available.

Another early on dating mistake is sleeping together too quickly.  Typically, men love sexual tension, and although they may want to sleep with you from the get go, allow this tension to build until at least a few dates, or you decide to see each other exclusively.  This is a great way to keep him interested. 

As a woman, you can still be a sexual tigress—feel free to show a bit of skin, send flirtatious texts, touch his hand or thigh—this will drive him wild! But don’t sleep with him right away.  Sometimes women put so much pressure on themselves, or want a relationship so badly, that they put out too quickly in hopes it will land a boyfriend.  In reality, this can make the man view you as a hook up instead of a girl he wants to bring home to his mother! Remember, get in the girlfriend category and not a hook-up category.

Again, I know this view is old fashioned, but I’ve personally seen it work in my own love life and in my client’s experiences.  As a woman, you can still be confident and flirtatious, but some degree of hard to get is a sexy challenge that will work in your favor. Allow the man to court you—it gives him a sense of pride and accomplishment. 

In terms of dating, first, there is a sense of attraction, then building comfort and trust (through getting to know each other on a date, through touch and non-verbal behaviors), and next comes seduction. Interestingly, research has found that women tend to need a minimum of seven hours of building a relationship in order to develop an emotional and intellectual connection (things like shared interests and values) before they consent to sexual activity.

There’s a good chance that if you sleep together too quickly and he no longer pursues you, your self-esteem may take a hit, leaving you feeling let down and disappointed.  Plus, science has discovered that during and after sex, women release hormones that cause higher levels of post-sex attachment than in men.  You may be setting yourself up for a let down. 

Sometimes women think men will like them more if they show them they are good in bed, but ultimately you want this man to respect you, get to know who you really are, and give him time to decide if you are girlfriend material.  Equally, the first few dates are time for you to figure out if he is a good match for you.  So much about dating is about both connection and timing. Ultimately, you want to be going out with men who you know are open to a relationship and are just looking for the right gal!

And as always, there are always exceptions—people can successfully transition from sex on the first date to a happy marriage.  There is no foolproof formula to dating, so my take away advice is that if you’ve been unsuccessful thus far, try some new (more feminine) behaviors!

THE BREAK DOWN TO GETTING THROUGH A BREAK UP!

Going through a break up? Here’s a quick break down to breaking up:

DONT’S

Beg/plead/bargain to get back together—you shouldn’t have to convince someone that they should be with you. The right person will recognize you are a catch!

Drunk dial your ex—you’ll regret it in the morning

Self-medicate with drugs/alcohol

Lure your ex back with sex—the fleeting physical intimacy won’t mend your broken heart

Spend hours stalking your ex on social media

Show up at your ex’s house unannounced

Contact him/her in moments of weakness—that’s what friends are for

Put your ex on a pedestal—in your mind, you may be highlighting all of their wonderful qualities, but there are likely many things that bugged you or you wish you could change

Compare every new person you date to your ex—if your ex was really that amazing, you’d still be dating but ultimately something was wrong with your relationship

Rebound with every person that shows you attention—ultimately you may just feel worse about yourself (and no one likes STDs)

DO’s          
Get support from your besties & bros—you’re not a burden, this is what friends are for

Cry if you need to—there’s no shame

Give yourself permission to wallow in sadness for a distinct period of time—grab your ice cream and sweat pants! After a few days, if you miss work, isolate yourself from friends/family, and stop doing activities you enjoy, you may want to seek professional support

Pick up a new hobby, like boxing or a cooking class

Reconnect with old friends

Invest yourself in work—set new career goals

Keep a busy schedule because down time is usually the hardest

Drink responsibly in a social setting, not alone in your room

Give yourself time and space to process your emotions—you can try journaling, bibliotherapy (reading books/blogs), or talking to a counselor

Remove your ex from social media and shared accounts

Create space by not talking to or seeing your ex—aim for two months, then reevaluate communicating if you’re still obsessing over it (at this point, you may not even remember his/her name)! Be weary that connecting with your ex may trigger intense emotions and you might take steps backwards

Accept that no matter the reason for the break up, the outcome is still the same—you’re broken up and the relationship on some level was broken

Accept that when your ex ended the relationship, they were choosing to live their life without you. You deserve someone who recognizes the awesomeness that you are and who can’t live without you!

Create your own closure with positive self-talk—tell yourself that you deserve better and that someone will be lucky to have you

Accept that you can’t control other people—you can only control yourself and your reaction to them

Start dating again when you feel ready

Be optimistic that time is the best cure for a broken heart

STOP DATING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN! 'Nuff said.

Stop investing time and energy into an emotionally unavailable man! Think it’s going well and then you get the “fade away” or “disappearing act”? What’s up with that? I’ll tell you—he’s not emotionally available! Having lots of hot sex but when it comes to meeting your friends, he’s conveniently busy? He’s not available!

This guy may be looking to take a car out for a test drive, but when it comes to buying the car, he doesn’t pull the trigger.  It’s frustrating! But you are a sexy Lamborghini, my friend, and more than just a fun joy ride!

He should be pursuing you, making plans with you, and calling/texting you.  Don’t make excuses for his behavior. If he lacks confidence, or is shy, you can always take the reigns by letting him know you’re interested (either directly, or through indirect flirtatious behavior/conversation/body language), but if he doesn’t take the bait, sadly, he’s just not that into you.

So how do you know if he’s into you? He will accommodate your schedule to hang out, he will be eager to meet your friends & family, and he will excitedly make future plans with you.  If he’s mature, he may tell you upfront that he digs you!

If he’s emotionally available, he will not blow you off or flake on you, he will put in effort to win your affection, he won’t be scared off by “future” talk (that’s not permission to tell him you want to get married next month and have his babies, but he should be cool with making plans for next week or month).

Now the hard part—if you’re picking up on red flags that he’s emotionally unavailable, DITCH HIM! Baaah-Bye. He’s not worth your time. Sure, some women hang around long enough until their man realizes they are worth committing to, but I’ve heard too many story of women clinging on for dear life, only to feel disrespected, unappreciated, and taken advantage of later. Walk away with your head held high and find a man with a green light!

““Men are like cabs. When they’re available their light goes on. They wake up one day, they decide they are ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up, boom, that’s the one they’ll marry. It’s not fate. It’s dumb luck.”

— Sex and the City

DATING 101

Recently I’ve had many clients with a common theme come to see me at my practice…Dating. Do you cringe at the word? It scares some, excites others. Both men and women bring their dating woes to me: College students frustrated with the hook-up culture, young professionals looking for a commitment—tired of swiping hot or not on their Tinder apps, singles approaching their 30s and 40s disappointed that they have failed to meet their artificial life timelines. 

Discouraged, disrespected, fed-up with putting yourself out there? Too afraid to be vulnerable? Some blame themselves, others blame the people who don’t click on their profile, or the disastrous, awkward first date that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time, or the mystery man/woman who disappears without a phone call or text after a few “great”dates.

Dating dud?

I always tell my clients that dating is both the most personal and impersonal experience. You can walk down the street and pass 100 people—are you attracted to all of them? No. Not everyone who walks by you is attracted to you either. If you can approach dating with the mindset that not everyone is going to like you or be your soulmate, then you can successfully make it out without a terribly bruised ego, and perhaps a great partner.  No one likes getting rejected, but it’s part of dating. If you can accept that, then you can protect your self-esteem and move forward.

Self-esteem is at the core of dating. Dating requires confidence. Confidence in yourself—your body, your interests, your values, your hopes.  If you can’t answer the most basic questions on a dating profile (ex. your hobbies, what you’re doing with your life, your idea of a fun date, an interesting fact about yourself, the qualities you value in a partner), then perhaps you need to be spending more time exploring, discovering, and reflecting on yourself than in the dating world. After all, you have to be able to stand alone to stand beside another.  Basically, you have to like yourself!

Don’t settle. You have to believe that you are deserving of being respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. You can certainly find a relationship if you feel insecure, worthless, or unworthy, but it won’t be healthy and won’t make you happy longer term. Create a solid foundation with the basic requirements of a relationship—trust, exclusivity, love, support, attraction, and then build from there with your partner’s qualities that make the relationship unique and personal to you (ex. funny, intellectually curious, motivated, passionate, etc.).  You deserve more than being with someone solely because they don’t cheat on you. Start with the foundation, then build up!

Whether you go online, or pick someone up “organically,” does it really matter how you met when you’ve fallen in love or are spending your life with the right person?

Dating site drama?

When it comes to dating, be proactive. You get out of dating what you put in—especially when it comes to online dating. There are millions of people out there—how do you stand out? Take time to create a genuine profile that represents you.  Think of it like applying to jobs online—on LinkedIn, there’s a better chance of getting recruited if you’ve presented an organized and thought out resume/description. Do people get recruited for dream jobs with just a pretty picture and a brief caption? Probably not. So put in a little more effort.

If you prefer to meet people out and about, put yourself in social situations where you can meet quality people. You’ve probably heard that picking someone up at a bar does not lead to a relationship—there’s mixed opinions, but ultimately if you’re going out to meet your future wife/husband, you should probably give yourself a two drink limit. You don’t need alcohol as a crutch. Stay coherent, have a real conversation.  Search outside of the bar scene--sign up for a local intramural kickball league, take a cooking class, join a gym, sit in a coffee shop, or browse your farmer’s market for more than just food.  Get out of your weekly routine where you see the same people and do the same things.  Post-work or weekend sweat pants and your favorite TV show sounds relaxing, but it won’t magically connect you with someone. If things haven’t been working, you have to make changes.

Put yourself out there by spending time in public places!

Everyone has their own dating rules and etiquette. I personally believe women can message men first, without it conflicting with the stereotypical belief that men need to be the pursuers. Just creating a profile and hoping someone clicks on it and writes you a cute, personal, or quirky message isn’t enough. Take action! Click on profiles that intrigue you—send winks, likes, flirts, pokes. Be ok with the reality that not everyone will respond. Do you wait for your dream job to fall into your lap, or do you work hard, network, and float out lots of resumes?

Flesh out people who are not looking for the same thing as you. If someone clearly tells you they are looking for a friend with benefits situation, or a one-night stand, then take them for their word. Don’t try to change people or force them into a relationship. You can’t control others, but you can control your reaction to them. Ask yourself if you’re ok waiting around for them to want a relationship, or if you should take the courageous step to walk away and accept that you’re not on the same page. So much of dating success is about timing.

For you perfectionists out there—be open minded. Strike a balance between picky and realistic. Ask yourself what are your deal breakers (yes, real deal breakers, like values, religion, wanting children) and what can you live without? Try making a list of 5 must-haves, 3 would-be-nice-to-haves, and 2 things you could give up when it comes to your partner's qualities/characteristics.  Someone once told me that the person you should be with is the one you want to change the least about. Because again, you can’t change people. You can accept them, love them, and learn to live with their flaws.  Through the process of dating (a collection of data--your likes, dislikes, regrets, triggers, learned lessons, etc.), you'll find that the person you choose for the long haul is the one you want to change the least.

Can Watching Movies Together Save Your Relationship?

If there were ever an excuse to get your hubby to watch a romantic movie with you, dare I say "The Notebook," this is it! Who knew sitting in front of the TV could prevent divorce?

A new study has shown that watching romantic movies with your partner can be just as effective in reducing divorce rates as other types of popular couples therapy.

Research from the University of Rochester found that newlyweds and engaged couples who watched and discussed 5 romantic movies in a month cut the three-year divorce rate in half. These results were just as effective when compared with more traditional therapeutic approaches (conflict management and compassion and acceptance training).  All three methods reduced the separation/divorce rate from 24% to 11%.

Is it really that simple? I’m not suggesting that a couple on the brink of separation negate couples therapy for a movie marathon to save their ailing marriage. But, I do believe this could be a great activity for maintaining relationship satisfaction over the years.

In the study, once a week for a month couples watched a movie together and using a list of questions discussed it afterward for 45 minutes.  The questions asked participants to reflect on their own relationship, similar to the types of questions I may ask in a couples therapy session.  Here are some sample questions taken from the study:  

• Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

Watching a movie together is a fun, relaxing approach to working on your relationship.  This approach can strengthen and boost your connection to your partner.  Talking about characters in a movie can be an easy, non-defensive way to approach a conversation about your own relationship. Plus, there’s something validating about watching other people go through similar struggles. Believe me, you’re not alone!

Whether you’re watching movies or meeting with a counselor, it’s all about investing in your relationship, and yourself.  There’s a good chance you’re already aware of how your actions affect your partner.  Now it’s about reducing harmful behaviors and increasing the helpful ones. It’s not about pointing fingers at who is right and wrong, but being self-aware and taking responsibility for your role in the situation or argument. 

Interested in the movie approach?  Try it at home--you can find a list of suggested movies and discussion questions here:

Movies and Questions  (http://www.rochester.edu/news/divorce-rate-cut-in-half-for-couples-who-discussed-relationship-movies/movie-list-and-questions.pdf)

Sleeping Separately Can Benefit Your Relationship!

Is sleeping separately an omen of distancing and divorce? I believe it can be quite the opposite—it just depends on your reasons for hitting the sack solo!  Sleeping separately doesn’t always signal trouble in paradise.  Perfectly happy and loving couples may suffer from a lack of sleep. 

A poor nights sleep can have troubling effects on your mood and relationship!  When you don’t sleep well, you are more likely to be irritable, short-tempered, anxious, and susceptible to stress, making it more likely to get into arguments and lash out at your partner.  If you’ve ever had a night of tossing and turning, you know it’s difficult to focus, be productive, and keep your eyes open the next day! 

Research has found that sleep deprivation leads to serious effects on mood.  A University of Pennsylvania study reports that participants who only got 4.5 hours of sleep per night for one week were more stressed, sad, angry, and mentally exhausted. When they returned to normal sleep, they reported a dramatic boost in mood!

Sleep Problem or Relationship Problem?

Everyone has different sleep habits, and even if you have found your perfect match, it does not mean you and your partner are harmonious sleepers.

Sleeping Challenges:

Snoring

Firmness of bed

Temperature of room

Finding a comfortable sleeping position

Activities before bed (ex. reading, music, tv)

If you and your partner are struggling to sleep together, you may want to consider separate rooms.  Now your gut reaction may be “We don’t have real problems,” “Doesn’t sleeping separately lead to break up/divorce?” or “The only time we have alone together is before bed.”  This isn't an issue of banning your partner to the couch due to marital problems! You must distinguish between relationship issues and sleep issues.  Initially, it may sound counterintuitive, but to optimize your relationship health, you need to optimize your sleep health!

Differentiate between a sleep problem and a relationship problem.

If you are generally very happy, satisfied, and content in your relationship, but sleeping is the thorn in your side, it may be time to make some changes

So how can you be successful in your relationship while sleeping separately?  Prioritize cuddling and affection (in bed, on the couch, while make dinner) the same as you would if you were sleeping in the same bed.  Continue to make time for pillow talk—you know, intimate conversation (which doesn’t have to come after sex) when you lay next to each other and talk about your relationship or even the events of your day.  You can still climb into bed together, but one person can retreat to his or her own room when the pillow talk drifts off and you’ve had your cuddle needs met. 

Successful couples keep their connection strong through affection and communication, so when it’s time to love each other during the day, be intimate and loving, and when it’s time to sleep, actually sleep! You may find yourself even happier in your relationship when you get a good night’s rest.

 Check out a featured story on Good Morning America for more on this topic!