Kicking Stress and Anxiety in the Butt One Meditation at a Time

Meditation isn't just for monks or the yoga obsessed! If you struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, or just want some more relaxation in your life, then maybe it's for you. And now science supports the positive effects of mindfulness meditation---the practice of focusing your attention on the present moment and being aware of your current emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. 

New studies have shown that practicing this type of meditation increases gray matter density in parts of the brain associated with attention, emotional integration, self-awareness, compassion, and introspection. There were also decreases in parts of the brain that play a role in anxiety and stress. 

So, not only will you experience some peacefulness and a decrease in tension, but your brain will physically change in response to this activity! Why not give it a shot?

The key is that meditation takes practice, so try to incorporate it into your daily routine. Start small, with a goal of 5 minutes per day, and increase until you can eventually meditate for 30 minutes. If sitting still isn't realistic, work mindful activities into your day--take a mindful walk where you stay present and notice your surroundings. For instance, it's easy to walk from your car to your office thinking about 1,000 things--make it a point to stay present and tune into all of your senses. You can do a mindful eating  exercise, noticing all of the tastes and physical sensations, or even try doing a chore, like the dishes or taking a shower, mindfully.  

When you're ready to begin, start with 5 deep, long breaths, anchoring yourself to the present moment. Next, go about your mindful activity or seated meditation by keeping your focus on the present, allowing any distracting thoughts to pass by. Remember, just because you have a thought, you don't need to engage in it (easier said than done, of course!). Give yourself permission to relax--tell yourself in this moment, there's no where else for you to be right now, and there's nothing else for you to do. This is a gift for yourself and you deserve it!

A great intro to meditation is the website/app calm.com...it's basically meditation for dummies and super user friendly. There is even a 2 minute guided meditation--perfect to plug in your headphones at work and give yourself a mini mental vacation in times of stress!

DATING 101

Recently I’ve had many clients with a common theme come to see me at my practice…Dating. Do you cringe at the word? It scares some, excites others. Both men and women bring their dating woes to me: College students frustrated with the hook-up culture, young professionals looking for a commitment—tired of swiping hot or not on their Tinder apps, singles approaching their 30s and 40s disappointed that they have failed to meet their artificial life timelines. 

Discouraged, disrespected, fed-up with putting yourself out there? Too afraid to be vulnerable? Some blame themselves, others blame the people who don’t click on their profile, or the disastrous, awkward first date that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time, or the mystery man/woman who disappears without a phone call or text after a few “great”dates.

Dating dud?

I always tell my clients that dating is both the most personal and impersonal experience. You can walk down the street and pass 100 people—are you attracted to all of them? No. Not everyone who walks by you is attracted to you either. If you can approach dating with the mindset that not everyone is going to like you or be your soulmate, then you can successfully make it out without a terribly bruised ego, and perhaps a great partner.  No one likes getting rejected, but it’s part of dating. If you can accept that, then you can protect your self-esteem and move forward.

Self-esteem is at the core of dating. Dating requires confidence. Confidence in yourself—your body, your interests, your values, your hopes.  If you can’t answer the most basic questions on a dating profile (ex. your hobbies, what you’re doing with your life, your idea of a fun date, an interesting fact about yourself, the qualities you value in a partner), then perhaps you need to be spending more time exploring, discovering, and reflecting on yourself than in the dating world. After all, you have to be able to stand alone to stand beside another.  Basically, you have to like yourself!

Don’t settle. You have to believe that you are deserving of being respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. You can certainly find a relationship if you feel insecure, worthless, or unworthy, but it won’t be healthy and won’t make you happy longer term. Create a solid foundation with the basic requirements of a relationship—trust, exclusivity, love, support, attraction, and then build from there with your partner’s qualities that make the relationship unique and personal to you (ex. funny, intellectually curious, motivated, passionate, etc.).  You deserve more than being with someone solely because they don’t cheat on you. Start with the foundation, then build up!

Whether you go online, or pick someone up “organically,” does it really matter how you met when you’ve fallen in love or are spending your life with the right person?

Dating site drama?

When it comes to dating, be proactive. You get out of dating what you put in—especially when it comes to online dating. There are millions of people out there—how do you stand out? Take time to create a genuine profile that represents you.  Think of it like applying to jobs online—on LinkedIn, there’s a better chance of getting recruited if you’ve presented an organized and thought out resume/description. Do people get recruited for dream jobs with just a pretty picture and a brief caption? Probably not. So put in a little more effort.

If you prefer to meet people out and about, put yourself in social situations where you can meet quality people. You’ve probably heard that picking someone up at a bar does not lead to a relationship—there’s mixed opinions, but ultimately if you’re going out to meet your future wife/husband, you should probably give yourself a two drink limit. You don’t need alcohol as a crutch. Stay coherent, have a real conversation.  Search outside of the bar scene--sign up for a local intramural kickball league, take a cooking class, join a gym, sit in a coffee shop, or browse your farmer’s market for more than just food.  Get out of your weekly routine where you see the same people and do the same things.  Post-work or weekend sweat pants and your favorite TV show sounds relaxing, but it won’t magically connect you with someone. If things haven’t been working, you have to make changes.

Put yourself out there by spending time in public places!

Everyone has their own dating rules and etiquette. I personally believe women can message men first, without it conflicting with the stereotypical belief that men need to be the pursuers. Just creating a profile and hoping someone clicks on it and writes you a cute, personal, or quirky message isn’t enough. Take action! Click on profiles that intrigue you—send winks, likes, flirts, pokes. Be ok with the reality that not everyone will respond. Do you wait for your dream job to fall into your lap, or do you work hard, network, and float out lots of resumes?

Flesh out people who are not looking for the same thing as you. If someone clearly tells you they are looking for a friend with benefits situation, or a one-night stand, then take them for their word. Don’t try to change people or force them into a relationship. You can’t control others, but you can control your reaction to them. Ask yourself if you’re ok waiting around for them to want a relationship, or if you should take the courageous step to walk away and accept that you’re not on the same page. So much of dating success is about timing.

For you perfectionists out there—be open minded. Strike a balance between picky and realistic. Ask yourself what are your deal breakers (yes, real deal breakers, like values, religion, wanting children) and what can you live without? Try making a list of 5 must-haves, 3 would-be-nice-to-haves, and 2 things you could give up when it comes to your partner's qualities/characteristics.  Someone once told me that the person you should be with is the one you want to change the least about. Because again, you can’t change people. You can accept them, love them, and learn to live with their flaws.  Through the process of dating (a collection of data--your likes, dislikes, regrets, triggers, learned lessons, etc.), you'll find that the person you choose for the long haul is the one you want to change the least.

A Healthy Mindset Can Lead to a Healthy Body

We are on the cusp of summer, and no doubt pressures to be beach-bod ready are sinking in. Most likely, you’ve ditched your sweaters (unless you live in New England, like me) and are showing more skin. Commercials, magazine ads, gyms, Pinterest pics all influence you to diet, sport a 6-pack, flaunt a tan—to achieve some thin ideal that society has said is attractive. But these messages can have detrimental effects on our body image, self-worth, and happiness.

It feels miserable to wake up and hate your body—to obsess over a specific feature or the way your clothes fit.  It’s easy to fall into restrictive or impulsive eating patterns in attempts to physically change yourself. But why do we need to fit some mold of what our bodies “should” look like? I think it’s really important to challenge these pressures and messages, to embrace yourself mentally and physically. Your goal should be HEALTH over fad diets and trendy plastic surgery. Your focus should be about loving and accepting yourself as you are, while motivating yourself to get healthy in a balanced and sustainable way through exercise and healthy eating behaviors.  Maybe you are very healthy, but you still hate your big butt or thick thighs, or moobs (man boobs). At what point do you say, “I am going to love myself”? Keep in mind despite how hard you try, genetics play a role.

Women—Check out the National Organization for Women Foundation (“NOW Foundation”) for more body loving inspiration

Men (I haven’t forgotten about you)—An article in Today Health highlights that “men worry about their appearance more than they worry about their health, their family, their relationships or professional success.” A TODAY/AOL Body Image survey found:

•   63% of guys said they “always feel like (they) could lose weight

•   53% don’t like having their picture taken

•   41% said they worry that people judge their appearance

•   44% feel uncomfortable wearing swim trunks (not to mention Speedos!)

The benefits of exercise aren’t just physical. Research has shown that people who exercise regularly feel happier, have increased self-esteem, increased energy, sleep better, and are more likely to have satisfactory sex lives with their partners.  Rather than thinking, “I need to lose 5 pounds to look good,” try thinking, “I’m going to exercise today because it makes me feel my best.”

If you have significant weight to lose, remember, major changes do not happen over night. Don’t become discouraged when you don’t drop 10 pounds in your first week—this is not realistic. Changing your body takes consistency—long-term motivation. Everyone wants immediate results and instant gratification. Do not set yourself up for failure! You need realistic expectations at the outset of every goal, otherwise you find yourself disappointed and don’t follow through. See your primary care physician or a nutritionist to find a healthy weight loss plan that works specifically for your body. 

Struggling to maintain a healthy body weight after you have lost? Be a weight loss mentor! Check out this Women’sHealth article for a helpful suggestion on how to keep those stubborn pounds off.

Be a weight loss mentor!

The Cambridge Eating Disorder Center (CEDC) located in Cambridge, Massachusetts says “Diets Do Not Work.” Here's their top-10 list why you should ditch your diet:

   

10. Diets don't work. Even if you do lose weight, you're more than likely to gain it all back and maybe even more than you lost. Why? Because maintaining a healthy weight is part of a lifestyle change. So if diets can't work in the long term, they can never work.

9. Diets are expensive. Books, foods, and products: all these things add up quickly. Just think - if you didn't waste money on these things you'd be able to go shopping for new clothes or go on a vacation and start feeling good about yourself immediately.

  

8. Diets are boring. On a diet, people tend to think about food and nearly nothing else. There is so much more going on in your life, focus on more interesting activities than diets.

  

7. Diets allow you to hide. Dieting can become all-consuming and excuse you from confronting other life issues. Do yourself a favor and spend your energy working on those first. 

  

6. Diets don't necessarily improve health. Like weight loss, health improvement is temporary. In fact, dieting can actually cause health problems. Yo-yo dieting results in fat and muscle loss and can lead to metabolic and cardiovascular disorders. If you're not already at risk, weight maintenance could be better in the long run.

  

5. Diets don't make you beautiful. Very few people will ever look like models - remember that glamour is a look, NOT a size. Being thin doesn't equal attractiveness.

  

4. Diets trick the body. When you feed your body less food than it needs, in the short term, yes you may lose weight. In the long term your mind thinks diet but your body thinks famine. So, your body holds on to energy at all costs making it harder and harder to lose weight.

  

3. Diets can turn into eating disorders. Sometimes dieting can go too far and become an obsession. This can lead to anorexia, bulimia, bingeing and compulsive exercising.

  

2. Diets can make you afraid of food. Food provides nourishment, comfort and pleasure. Dieting can change your view of food and make it seem like the enemy - you may start to deprive yourself of all the positive things from food.

  

1. Diets can rob you of energy. In order to lead a full and actively life, you need to nourish your body with enough food and energy to meet your needs. If you're undernourished you lack the concentration to perform at your best.    

Take home message?  Get a healthy mindset so that you can get a healthy body! Practice self-compassion.

Can Watching Movies Together Save Your Relationship?

If there were ever an excuse to get your hubby to watch a romantic movie with you, dare I say "The Notebook," this is it! Who knew sitting in front of the TV could prevent divorce?

A new study has shown that watching romantic movies with your partner can be just as effective in reducing divorce rates as other types of popular couples therapy.

Research from the University of Rochester found that newlyweds and engaged couples who watched and discussed 5 romantic movies in a month cut the three-year divorce rate in half. These results were just as effective when compared with more traditional therapeutic approaches (conflict management and compassion and acceptance training).  All three methods reduced the separation/divorce rate from 24% to 11%.

Is it really that simple? I’m not suggesting that a couple on the brink of separation negate couples therapy for a movie marathon to save their ailing marriage. But, I do believe this could be a great activity for maintaining relationship satisfaction over the years.

In the study, once a week for a month couples watched a movie together and using a list of questions discussed it afterward for 45 minutes.  The questions asked participants to reflect on their own relationship, similar to the types of questions I may ask in a couples therapy session.  Here are some sample questions taken from the study:  

• Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

Watching a movie together is a fun, relaxing approach to working on your relationship.  This approach can strengthen and boost your connection to your partner.  Talking about characters in a movie can be an easy, non-defensive way to approach a conversation about your own relationship. Plus, there’s something validating about watching other people go through similar struggles. Believe me, you’re not alone!

Whether you’re watching movies or meeting with a counselor, it’s all about investing in your relationship, and yourself.  There’s a good chance you’re already aware of how your actions affect your partner.  Now it’s about reducing harmful behaviors and increasing the helpful ones. It’s not about pointing fingers at who is right and wrong, but being self-aware and taking responsibility for your role in the situation or argument. 

Interested in the movie approach?  Try it at home--you can find a list of suggested movies and discussion questions here:

Movies and Questions  (http://www.rochester.edu/news/divorce-rate-cut-in-half-for-couples-who-discussed-relationship-movies/movie-list-and-questions.pdf)

Sleeping Separately Can Benefit Your Relationship!

Is sleeping separately an omen of distancing and divorce? I believe it can be quite the opposite—it just depends on your reasons for hitting the sack solo!  Sleeping separately doesn’t always signal trouble in paradise.  Perfectly happy and loving couples may suffer from a lack of sleep. 

A poor nights sleep can have troubling effects on your mood and relationship!  When you don’t sleep well, you are more likely to be irritable, short-tempered, anxious, and susceptible to stress, making it more likely to get into arguments and lash out at your partner.  If you’ve ever had a night of tossing and turning, you know it’s difficult to focus, be productive, and keep your eyes open the next day! 

Research has found that sleep deprivation leads to serious effects on mood.  A University of Pennsylvania study reports that participants who only got 4.5 hours of sleep per night for one week were more stressed, sad, angry, and mentally exhausted. When they returned to normal sleep, they reported a dramatic boost in mood!

Sleep Problem or Relationship Problem?

Everyone has different sleep habits, and even if you have found your perfect match, it does not mean you and your partner are harmonious sleepers.

Sleeping Challenges:

Snoring

Firmness of bed

Temperature of room

Finding a comfortable sleeping position

Activities before bed (ex. reading, music, tv)

If you and your partner are struggling to sleep together, you may want to consider separate rooms.  Now your gut reaction may be “We don’t have real problems,” “Doesn’t sleeping separately lead to break up/divorce?” or “The only time we have alone together is before bed.”  This isn't an issue of banning your partner to the couch due to marital problems! You must distinguish between relationship issues and sleep issues.  Initially, it may sound counterintuitive, but to optimize your relationship health, you need to optimize your sleep health!

Differentiate between a sleep problem and a relationship problem.

If you are generally very happy, satisfied, and content in your relationship, but sleeping is the thorn in your side, it may be time to make some changes

So how can you be successful in your relationship while sleeping separately?  Prioritize cuddling and affection (in bed, on the couch, while make dinner) the same as you would if you were sleeping in the same bed.  Continue to make time for pillow talk—you know, intimate conversation (which doesn’t have to come after sex) when you lay next to each other and talk about your relationship or even the events of your day.  You can still climb into bed together, but one person can retreat to his or her own room when the pillow talk drifts off and you’ve had your cuddle needs met. 

Successful couples keep their connection strong through affection and communication, so when it’s time to love each other during the day, be intimate and loving, and when it’s time to sleep, actually sleep! You may find yourself even happier in your relationship when you get a good night’s rest.

 Check out a featured story on Good Morning America for more on this topic!