Communication Not Working? Try Using "I Statements"

Taking effective communication one step further, I’d like to highlight the importance of using “I statements.”  After finding time and space to sit down and provide your partner with your undivided attention, it’s important to be able to express what’s on your mind without triggering defensive behaviors in your partner.  As soon as your partner becomes defensive, he/she is no longer engaging in active listening, and may likely have a difficult time feeling empathetic.  Of course you can’t control your partner’s emotions, but one key tool to decreasing defensive conversations is the use of “I statements!”

Read the blog below & kiss screaming matches goodbye!

So what is an “I statement” anyway?  “I statements” are:

 -Statements that share a message about how you feel

 -Statements that express how your partner’s behaviors affect you

 -Statements that don’t blame/judge your partner (hostile “You statements” tend to start with “You always…” “You never” “I hate it when you…”)

The best “I statements” address 3 things:

1)    How you are feeling (ex. I feel angry)

2)    What behaviors caused the feeling (ex. I feel angry when I’m shouted at)

3)    Reasoning for the feelings (I feel angry when I’m shouted at because it makes me feel disrespected)

Example: “I feel unappreciated when you stay late at work because it makes me feel like the relationship is not a priority in your life.”  Notice how this "I statement" is more effective than a “You statement,” such as, “You always stay late at work and never 

make time for us.”  This “You statement” puts blame on the partner without addressing the underlying feelings. In addition, words like “always” and “never” are exaggerations that discredit the times when your partner behaves positively.

“I statements” require practice! It’s best to discuss this blog with your partner so that you are both aware of how to rephrase negative “You statements.”  The next time you sit down to talk, try starting your sentences with these:

“I feel, I wonder, I think, I believe, To me it seems like, In my opinion, My concern is, 
When I…”

Break down the communication barriers with "I Statements!"