Although it may sound simple, effective communication skills are one of the biggest determinants of relationship satisfaction. Miscommunications and not speaking openly with your partner can easily lead to disagreements, resentments, and preventable fights. When you think of the term “communicating,” you may think of talking and sharing feelings, however effective communication involves many more skills! Let’s break it down:
Steps of Effective Communication
1) Attending: This requires you to physically orient yourself towards your partner to demonstrate that you are serious about listening and paying attention. It’s important to find a comfortable space where you can talk openly. By eliminating distractions (i.e., turning off the TV, closing your lap top, stop sorting laundry), you are showing your partner that you are interested in what they have to say, and you are ready to speak about your thoughts and feelings. Attending involves using both verbal and non-verbal behaviors. For example, body posture, head nodding, and consistent eye contact shows that you are following along and invested in the conversation
2) Paraphrasing: Repeating back to your partner what he/she just said shows that you are paying attention and that you truly comprehend what was shared. Rephrasing comments provides your partner with the opportunity to hear what he/she just said and to correct or adjust the statements so that he/she can be clear about the content of the statement.
For example, Bob says “I feel really angry when you question my intentions.” Mary responds with a paraphrase, “So you feel angry when I question your intentions.” Bob follows up with, “Well I guess not angry, it’s more hurt that you don’t trust me.” Paraphrasing allows Bob to decipher that he actually feels hurt, not angry. It may initially sound silly to repeat small sentences, but with practice you may notice that you are finally understanding each other instead of jumping to conclusions or interpreting your partner’s statements in ways that he/she did not intend. Think of paraphrasing as clarification. When you’re feeling annoyed with a partner, it’s easy to put your own spin on what he/she said by interpreting it with a negative connotation, so by paraphrasing you can make sure that you’re both on the same page!
3) Empathizing: Empathy is a concept that may be easy to understand, but difficult to put into practice—especially when you are in a fight or think, “I’m right and you’re wrong!” Being empathetic means connecting with another by inferring how the other person thinks, feels, and experiences. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to experience the same emotions as them so that you can accurately understand his/her feelings (maybe think of a time you felt similarly). Demonstrating empathy requires anopen mind—you must temporarily let go of your own feelings (i.e., anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance) and attempt to understand how your partner feels/experiences the situation. A good example of empathy is when you are so completely absorbed in a movie that you actually feel the pain or happiness of the characters (sometimes you might even cry…)! If done correctly, empathy increases understanding and acceptance…which leads to problem solving.
4) Summarizing: After giving your partner a turn to speak, summarize the main points that have been discussed. Make sure to give your partner a chance to clarify any points or to provide feedback that your summary is accurate.
Together, these 4 steps (sometimes called active listening) create effective communication! When you first sit down to speak, there needs to be an understanding that each partner will have an equal time to talk. As the listener, it’s important not to interrupt unless it is for clarification/paraphrasing purposes. Keep in mind, you will have your own time to discuss your feelings, so when your partner is talking give him/her your undivided attention and listen empathetically. Now stop reading this blog and go try out some new effective communication!
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