Emotional Affairs: Are You Cheating?

In the media, it seems like a new affair is brought into the limelight every week.  But it’s not just the president, politicians, movie stars, and professional athletes that have been affected by the shattered reality and hurt of infidelity.  Most likely, you or someone you know has been affected by cheating.

So what is infidelity anyway?  I like this definition:

“Infidelity is a sexual and/or emotional act engaged in by one person within a committed relationship, where such an act occurs outside of the primary relationship and constitutes a breach of trust and/or violation of agreed-upon norms (overt and covert) by one or both individuals in that relationship in relation to romantic/emotional or sexual exclusivity.” (Blow & Hartnett, 2005a, p.191-192)

The key here is the breach of trust, and usually the unspoken norms that both partners are expected to uphold.  Certain types of behaviors can violate these norms and emotional infidelity may start out innocently, but has the potential to be just as damaging as physical infidelity.  Obviously sexual and physical acts clearly cross the boundary of your committed relationship, but it’s the emotional infidelity that typically starts on a blurred line. 

What is an emotional affair, and how do you know if you’re having one? 

Usually, an emotional affair starts out with a friendship—it can be someone in the office, a classmate, or even someone you meet online.  The blurred line between friendship and emotional affair occurs when there’s inappropriate behavior that violates your “agreed upon norms” with your partner.  The reality is that everyone is at risk for an emotional affair.  It’s natural and feels good to receive affection and attention, but it’s important to get these needs met by your partner.

Usually, the affair begins when you notice yourself really looking forward to talking to your “friend”—they may make you laugh, or support you through a hard day, or you begin to vent to them about frustrations with your partner.  This behavior becomes problematic because you’re creating an intimate bond with this third person that does not include your partner.  Sometimes you’re having discussions with your “friend” that should really be had with your partner.  If you’re at the point where you can confide in this “friend” about your relationship problems, you’re allowing this person to move in and fill your emotional needs where your partner is lacking.  You may not intentionally be doing this—sometimes it just feels good to vent—but sometimes you may unknowingly be setting your “friend” up to come to the rescue.  Creating this intimacy can lead to strong emotional attachments...and may even lead to some questionable should touching…then hugging…then kissing…and you know where this is going!  By now you should realize they are more than a friend, and that’s not ok.

RED FLAGS that may signal an emotional affair:

1.  You confide in your “friend” about problems in your relationship. You may even talk to him/her first before your partner.
2.  You keep your “friendship” a secret from your partner, or from your friends. Or, if you do bring it up, you keep some parts hidden because they feel inappropriate
3.   You get excited to talk with your “friend,” and may look forward to your time with him/her more than a typical friend
4. You have some flirtatious interactions, or talk about sexual things with your “friend.”  Playful comments should be for your partner…
5. You take your “friend” into account when you’re getting dressed in the morning, and find yourself wanting to appear attractive to him/her
6. You fantasize about your “friend” in a sexual way
7. You text or e-mail your friend at times when you should be with your partner

Listen to your gut. If you notice any of these signs, or there’s a small spark of chemistry that has been growing, you’ve probably entered into an emotional affair.  You may deny your feelings, but if you feel guilty or can’t be totally honest with your partner about your interactions with your “friend, ” then that boundary has been crossed. But it’s not too late!

Actions to take with your “friend”:

1.  If you’re able to, consider completely cutting off the friendship.  Especially if you’re still fantasizing about your “friend,” looking good for them, keeping it a secret, or feeling guilty
2. Create new boundaries—this may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with your “friend,” only being around them with other people present, or limiting your conversation to safe, appropriate topics
3.  No more talking about your relationship problems! That’s for you and your partner to discuss.  Social support is healthy, but find a supporter who you’re not attracted to.

 Actions to take in your relationship:

1.  Acknowledge that you’re dissatisfied in aspects of your relationship
2.  Reflect on your relationship and what emotional and physical needs are not being met by your partner
3. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your needs that are not being met.  There’s a good chance your partner also has some concerns.  Don’t just focus on the negative—point out what’s going well, too.
4. Together, identify 2 or 3 areas to work on.  Discuss steps you can take to feel more connected around these needs
5. Go on a fun date! Even when life gets busy with work, kids, and other commitments, you need to make your relationship a priority.

Remember, strong boundaries= strong relationship!