What's Motivating Your Sex Life?

Unhappy sex life? Read on to increase desire & satisfaction 

Has sex become a chore in your relationship? Do you sometimes just do it to keep your partner from complaining about how long it’s been since the last time?  When did sex go from passionate and kinky to boring and routine?

It’s no surprise that frequent, great sex leads to more satisfaction in relationships.  But new research from the University of Toronto shows that it’s not the frequency that matters, but the motivation behind sex that’s the key to happiness.

  

In sum, motivation for sex can be broken into two categories:

1) “Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ‘I want to increase intimacy with my spouse’ or ‘I want to feel closer to my partner.’”

2)  “Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ‘I want to avoid conflict’ or ‘I don't want to feel guilty.’”

Man or woman—motivating reasons were equally important for both!  Think about it, if you have sex with your wife just so she doesn’t nag you about it, your enthusiasm may be lacking and she can pick up on these small non-verbal behaviors and attitude. Sex is most enjoyable when both people are fully invested and excited, which may only happen when using approach motives (to increase intimacy, to be sexually gratified and to connect). With positive approach motives, your partner’s desire and sexual satisfaction will increase. 

  

You may be wondering about an important question raised in the article, “Is it better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all?” Although people feel more satisfied and connected in their relationship when having sex, it’s important to be in tune with why you are having sex.  If you start to notice that the answers are avoidant (you don’t want to feel pressure or argue about it), then maybe this is reflecting larger relationship issues.  

If you’re not feeling emotionally connected, what non-sexual things can you do that will make you feel closer and more attracted to your partner?  This may mean working on your communication skills, making it a priority to go on a fun, stress-free date, and/or self-care that will make you feel sexy (exercise/lingerie/massage).  

Remember, connecting outside of the bedroom leads to intimacy in the bedroom.  When you are feeling strong and close in your relationship, you will naturally have more approach motives for sex.

Get Better and Healthier Sleep TODAY!

Sleep affects everything from mood to weight, so why not practice the best sleep techniques to get your body happy and healthy?  Sleep deprivation has been shown to have some serious negative side effects, such as killing your sex drive, impairing your attention and concentration (good-bye work productivity), heart disease, high blood pressure and stroke, dangerous drowsy driving, weight gain, and a weakened immune system.  

Anyone can reap the benefits of a well rested body and brain, you just have to make it a priority! Here are some simple steps you can start today to practice healthy sleep habits:

1) Wake up at the same time everyday….yes, even on weekends!
2) Check your technology at the door!
3) Napping is not just for babies...take a siesta for 30 min or less (ideal between 2-3pm)!
4) Exercise lifts your spirits, drops your pants size, AND helps you sleep more soundly!
5) Bring back a bedtime routine!
6) Skip the late night snack!
7) Sleep= Health & Performance!
8) Control your worry about not getting enough sleep!

Read more: 8 Habits of Well Rested People

Take Happiness into Your Hands!

I’ve posted about the pursuit of happiness before, and today I’ll break down research discussed in the Huffington Post article "The 9 Happiness Mistakes You're Probably Making"

Let’s look at some easy, hands-on ways you can increase your bliss…starting now!

1) Stop pressuring yourself to be happy!

Research shows that putting pressure on yourself to be happy can actually make you feel more lonely.  Rather than thinking about happiness as a static state that you feel you have to achieve, reframe your concept of happiness as an ongoing state of mind that you can achieve through positive experiences and gratitude.  For example, be mindful of a laugh with a friend, the fall foliage, or a hug from a loved one.  But don’t forget, feeling happy is similar to other feelings—it will eb and flow each day, month, and year. 

2) Stop over-sharing on social media sites!

Universityof Kansas researchers found that “people in romantic relationships don’t like their partner to broadcast their innermost feelings and personal experiences to the online social network.”  Researchers hypothesized that sharing personal information can lead to lower intimacy—this means your partner may not feel as close to you if you share your intimate feelings with him/her, as well as your 1,257 facebook friends!  It’s nice to keep others in the loop, but tweeting your relationship issues or your deepest emotions on a public format can lead to more problems than benefits. Although there are many social media benefits, it’s important not to rely on these sites for your sense of self-worth.  Sure, it feels good to get a “like” on a comment, or sharing a picture of you and your partner, but your happiness should not depend on the feedback you receive.  If sharing a picture or comment helps you be mindful, appreciative and increases your gratitude, then go ahead and share, but if it’s taking a toll on your relationship or lowering your self-esteem, it’s time to do some social editing.

3)  Put your computer & iPhone down and start living!

Social media sites help you feel socially connected, but being in the “here and now” is essential to your happiness! Yes, I’m guilty too—I enjoy taking pictures of social events, or just a beautiful walk by the river, but I’ve found a balance that feels comfortable for me—this may mean I capture the moment quickly, then step in front of the lens so that I can simply enjoy the moment, or chose to leave my camera in my purse. Go to dinner with a friend and keep your phone off of the table, stop obsessively refreshing your facebook page, and when you get home from your busy day at work, put your phone in the other room and set a healthy boundary that you will not take any work calls after 6pm. Give yourself permission to unplug!

4) Exercise!

Just walking can lead to decreased stress and depression and increased happiness.  Not only does exercise release chemicals that make you feel happier, but it can lead to reduced stress, increased self-esteem and productivity, and boost your brain power.

5) Meditate and be mindful!

Check out 8 benefits of meditation.  Being mindful means being in the present, being grateful for both small and large accomplishments, noticing what goes right (everyone is guilty on focusing on their faults), and appreciating the simple pleasures. 

Need a quick way to be more mindful, and thus happier, in this moment? Go unplug from this blog and spend 5 minutes outside—engage all of your senses and notice the temperature, sounds, sights, and smells of your surroundings!

Get your daily dose of CALM!

Is it one of those spill your coffee, stuck in traffic, meeting with your boss, pull your hair out kind of days? Treat yourself to two minutes of peace and relaxation! Check out http://www.calm.com where you can customize a soothing background (imagine beaches with rolling waves, rain falling, lakes with rippling water), and listen to a guided meditation (you have listening options of 2 to 20 minutes) by the most soothing voice I have ever heard...

Manage your stress at work!

My best tip is to plug in your headphones at the end of your lunch break and rejuvenate yourself for the rest of the day, or download the iPhone App for your dose of calm on the go!