Can Watching Movies Together Save Your Relationship?

If there were ever an excuse to get your hubby to watch a romantic movie with you, dare I say "The Notebook," this is it! Who knew sitting in front of the TV could prevent divorce?

A new study has shown that watching romantic movies with your partner can be just as effective in reducing divorce rates as other types of popular couples therapy.

Research from the University of Rochester found that newlyweds and engaged couples who watched and discussed 5 romantic movies in a month cut the three-year divorce rate in half. These results were just as effective when compared with more traditional therapeutic approaches (conflict management and compassion and acceptance training).  All three methods reduced the separation/divorce rate from 24% to 11%.

Is it really that simple? I’m not suggesting that a couple on the brink of separation negate couples therapy for a movie marathon to save their ailing marriage. But, I do believe this could be a great activity for maintaining relationship satisfaction over the years.

In the study, once a week for a month couples watched a movie together and using a list of questions discussed it afterward for 45 minutes.  The questions asked participants to reflect on their own relationship, similar to the types of questions I may ask in a couples therapy session.  Here are some sample questions taken from the study:  

• Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each others’ differences? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
• If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn’t really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end? In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

Watching a movie together is a fun, relaxing approach to working on your relationship.  This approach can strengthen and boost your connection to your partner.  Talking about characters in a movie can be an easy, non-defensive way to approach a conversation about your own relationship. Plus, there’s something validating about watching other people go through similar struggles. Believe me, you’re not alone!

Whether you’re watching movies or meeting with a counselor, it’s all about investing in your relationship, and yourself.  There’s a good chance you’re already aware of how your actions affect your partner.  Now it’s about reducing harmful behaviors and increasing the helpful ones. It’s not about pointing fingers at who is right and wrong, but being self-aware and taking responsibility for your role in the situation or argument. 

Interested in the movie approach?  Try it at home--you can find a list of suggested movies and discussion questions here:

Movies and Questions  (http://www.rochester.edu/news/divorce-rate-cut-in-half-for-couples-who-discussed-relationship-movies/movie-list-and-questions.pdf)

Sleeping Separately Can Benefit Your Relationship!

Is sleeping separately an omen of distancing and divorce? I believe it can be quite the opposite—it just depends on your reasons for hitting the sack solo!  Sleeping separately doesn’t always signal trouble in paradise.  Perfectly happy and loving couples may suffer from a lack of sleep. 

A poor nights sleep can have troubling effects on your mood and relationship!  When you don’t sleep well, you are more likely to be irritable, short-tempered, anxious, and susceptible to stress, making it more likely to get into arguments and lash out at your partner.  If you’ve ever had a night of tossing and turning, you know it’s difficult to focus, be productive, and keep your eyes open the next day! 

Research has found that sleep deprivation leads to serious effects on mood.  A University of Pennsylvania study reports that participants who only got 4.5 hours of sleep per night for one week were more stressed, sad, angry, and mentally exhausted. When they returned to normal sleep, they reported a dramatic boost in mood!

Sleep Problem or Relationship Problem?

Everyone has different sleep habits, and even if you have found your perfect match, it does not mean you and your partner are harmonious sleepers.

Sleeping Challenges:

Snoring

Firmness of bed

Temperature of room

Finding a comfortable sleeping position

Activities before bed (ex. reading, music, tv)

If you and your partner are struggling to sleep together, you may want to consider separate rooms.  Now your gut reaction may be “We don’t have real problems,” “Doesn’t sleeping separately lead to break up/divorce?” or “The only time we have alone together is before bed.”  This isn't an issue of banning your partner to the couch due to marital problems! You must distinguish between relationship issues and sleep issues.  Initially, it may sound counterintuitive, but to optimize your relationship health, you need to optimize your sleep health!

Differentiate between a sleep problem and a relationship problem.

If you are generally very happy, satisfied, and content in your relationship, but sleeping is the thorn in your side, it may be time to make some changes

So how can you be successful in your relationship while sleeping separately?  Prioritize cuddling and affection (in bed, on the couch, while make dinner) the same as you would if you were sleeping in the same bed.  Continue to make time for pillow talk—you know, intimate conversation (which doesn’t have to come after sex) when you lay next to each other and talk about your relationship or even the events of your day.  You can still climb into bed together, but one person can retreat to his or her own room when the pillow talk drifts off and you’ve had your cuddle needs met. 

Successful couples keep their connection strong through affection and communication, so when it’s time to love each other during the day, be intimate and loving, and when it’s time to sleep, actually sleep! You may find yourself even happier in your relationship when you get a good night’s rest.

 Check out a featured story on Good Morning America for more on this topic!

"I'm Dating Someone Even Though I'm Married:" How to Keep Your Relationship Alive!

Want advice for a successful relationship? Read on

I stumbled across a blog post that made me stop and think about how often this applies to couples that I counsel:

 Only January 6, 2014 Jarrid Wilson wrote:

I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married. 

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end. 

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

Prioritize your partner to feel connected

Jarrid’s post struck me because I come across couples in my practice who have stopped appreciating each other, and have become lazy in their relationships.  Whether you are in a long-term committed relationship or married, the passion and romance of the first few months or year can quickly fade, leaving you feeling taken advantage of or under appreciated when you’re not actively working on your relationships.  It’s easy for the magic to wear off when you have a big work project, your kids are sick, and you have to run to the grocery store.  Don’t get stuck in the status quo, the daily grind that sometimes puts your relationship on the back burner.

When you commit to your partner, you should vow to make them happy and feel special every day—I’m not talking about big grand gestures every day (like flowers or gifts), but simple words like “Thank you for being so supportive,”  “I adore the way you crinkle your nose,” “you look so handsome in that sweater,” “I couldn’t have made it through this without you,” “I love you,” to show how much you care. 

People make a choice (sometimes conscious or unconscious) each day to stay in their relationship.  You may have certain expectations (sometimes unspoken) of your partner—for example, your partner is supposed to meet your sexual needs, be affectionate, clean the dishes, etc.  And over time we can become selfish—you believe that your partner has to do these things just because they are with you.  By reframing your outlook—shifting to the thought that it’s a privilege to have your partner, you can begin to change your behaviors to show gratefulness and respect.  Keep the romance alive!

Continuing to “date” even though you are married or have been together a long time means continuing to value your partner by finding ways to make them feel loved and supported, to strengthen your bond by continuing to make time for your relationship and growing together through busy schedules or challenging life experiences, and actively talking about your relationship by remembering the fond memories and identifying new goals and adventures for the future.