Want A Boyfriend? Let HIM Work For It!

Trying and failing to land a boyfriend? Struggling to lock him down? Sleeping with him in hopes he wants something more? If you can’t seem to reach the boyfriend-girlfriend title, you may be making some dating mistakes:

Mistake #1: Coming on too strong—Let him pursue you, he likes the chase!
Mistake #2: Sleeping together too soon—You want to get put in the girlfriend category, not hook up rotation!

This may be hard for feminists to hear (and it’s difficult for me to write, as in most aspects of life I am all about breaking down gender roles), but when it comes to dating early on (I’m talking about the first 1-5 dates), you may have the most success if you allow the man you are interested in to pursue you.

He wants to feel masculine, he wants to work for you, he likes a chase. 

This may be really hard if you are a confident, go-getter, independent woman (cue Destiny's Child's song), but there is something to be said for the initial chase of a new relationship.

I don’t believe in playing games or creating rules around dating, but I have definitely noticed a pattern in getting past the second or third date.  If this is when he plays the disappearing act, you may be sending the wrong message.

From personal experiences of trying all different approaches, as well as counseling many women and men through dating drama, I have found that those who make it from a first date to an exclusive dating relationship typically take on masculine and feminine roles.  I’m not saying to change your personality or be someone you’re not—this person is ultimately trying to get to know you, so be comfortable in your own skin! However, there may be little ways to tweak your behavior if you keep having similar failed experiences.

If you really like to take control, plan dates, or tend to come on too strongly (either sexually or through emotional attachment), try some of these tips to increase femininity without changing who you are:

You can still initiate contact during online dating—by all means be the first to check out his profile, send a “flirt” or initial message. Show him you’re interested by making flirtatious comments or entice him by saying you’ll tell him more when you meet in person, but ultimately let him be the one to ask you out. You should also allow him to plan the first date. If he catches your eye when you're out and about, flash a smile or hold lingering eye contact. These are signals that you're interested and available.

Another early on dating mistake is sleeping together too quickly.  Typically, men love sexual tension, and although they may want to sleep with you from the get go, allow this tension to build until at least a few dates, or you decide to see each other exclusively.  This is a great way to keep him interested. 

As a woman, you can still be a sexual tigress—feel free to show a bit of skin, send flirtatious texts, touch his hand or thigh—this will drive him wild! But don’t sleep with him right away.  Sometimes women put so much pressure on themselves, or want a relationship so badly, that they put out too quickly in hopes it will land a boyfriend.  In reality, this can make the man view you as a hook up instead of a girl he wants to bring home to his mother! Remember, get in the girlfriend category and not a hook-up category.

Again, I know this view is old fashioned, but I’ve personally seen it work in my own love life and in my client’s experiences.  As a woman, you can still be confident and flirtatious, but some degree of hard to get is a sexy challenge that will work in your favor. Allow the man to court you—it gives him a sense of pride and accomplishment. 

In terms of dating, first, there is a sense of attraction, then building comfort and trust (through getting to know each other on a date, through touch and non-verbal behaviors), and next comes seduction. Interestingly, research has found that women tend to need a minimum of seven hours of building a relationship in order to develop an emotional and intellectual connection (things like shared interests and values) before they consent to sexual activity.

There’s a good chance that if you sleep together too quickly and he no longer pursues you, your self-esteem may take a hit, leaving you feeling let down and disappointed.  Plus, science has discovered that during and after sex, women release hormones that cause higher levels of post-sex attachment than in men.  You may be setting yourself up for a let down. 

Sometimes women think men will like them more if they show them they are good in bed, but ultimately you want this man to respect you, get to know who you really are, and give him time to decide if you are girlfriend material.  Equally, the first few dates are time for you to figure out if he is a good match for you.  So much about dating is about both connection and timing. Ultimately, you want to be going out with men who you know are open to a relationship and are just looking for the right gal!

And as always, there are always exceptions—people can successfully transition from sex on the first date to a happy marriage.  There is no foolproof formula to dating, so my take away advice is that if you’ve been unsuccessful thus far, try some new (more feminine) behaviors!

What's Motivating Your Sex Life?

Unhappy sex life? Read on to increase desire & satisfaction 

Has sex become a chore in your relationship? Do you sometimes just do it to keep your partner from complaining about how long it’s been since the last time?  When did sex go from passionate and kinky to boring and routine?

It’s no surprise that frequent, great sex leads to more satisfaction in relationships.  But new research from the University of Toronto shows that it’s not the frequency that matters, but the motivation behind sex that’s the key to happiness.

  

In sum, motivation for sex can be broken into two categories:

1) “Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ‘I want to increase intimacy with my spouse’ or ‘I want to feel closer to my partner.’”

2)  “Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ‘I want to avoid conflict’ or ‘I don't want to feel guilty.’”

Man or woman—motivating reasons were equally important for both!  Think about it, if you have sex with your wife just so she doesn’t nag you about it, your enthusiasm may be lacking and she can pick up on these small non-verbal behaviors and attitude. Sex is most enjoyable when both people are fully invested and excited, which may only happen when using approach motives (to increase intimacy, to be sexually gratified and to connect). With positive approach motives, your partner’s desire and sexual satisfaction will increase. 

  

You may be wondering about an important question raised in the article, “Is it better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all?” Although people feel more satisfied and connected in their relationship when having sex, it’s important to be in tune with why you are having sex.  If you start to notice that the answers are avoidant (you don’t want to feel pressure or argue about it), then maybe this is reflecting larger relationship issues.  

If you’re not feeling emotionally connected, what non-sexual things can you do that will make you feel closer and more attracted to your partner?  This may mean working on your communication skills, making it a priority to go on a fun, stress-free date, and/or self-care that will make you feel sexy (exercise/lingerie/massage).  

Remember, connecting outside of the bedroom leads to intimacy in the bedroom.  When you are feeling strong and close in your relationship, you will naturally have more approach motives for sex.