Ring in the New Year with a Lasting Resolution

Need inspiration for a New Years resolution that actually sticks?  Ask yourself the following questions:  

What can I do to improve my health (physical, mental, spiritual, environmental)?

How can I be a better partner, parent, or friend?  

How can I be more successful at work?

How can I increase my happiness at work and home?  

Now make a list! Physically writing it down helps to make these ideas become concrete.  Prioritize your responses and just pick one or two to focus on for the beginning of 2014.  No go big or go home mentality here--this is unrealistic and sets you up for self-sabotage!  

The hardest step is breaking down these goals into bite size pieces so that they feel more manageable. What changes can you make that will put you closer to your goal? Let’s take weight loss as a popular, and easy example…let’s say you want to lose 20 pounds in 2014.  There’s no way this is happening in the next month or two, so rather than burning out and feeling disappointed when the scale doesn’t go down in the next couple weeks (and emotionally eating it all back), break it down into more achievable goals/steps:

I will eat a healthy breakfast every morning

I will go to the gym 3 days per week

I will walk for 10 minutes on my lunch break

I will keep a food journal each day 

I will eat brown rice instead of white rice

I will only eat dessert on the weekends

Keep your goal somewhere visible for motivation (a post-it on your mirror, on the fridge, in your wallet, a document on your desktop).  Most people forget all about their resolutions by February! Don’t let this happen to you—track your goal by picking a date in your calendar to evaluate your progress. Or write your smaller goals/steps on a to-do list and check them off as the week goes on.  

It’s ok, and helpful to ask for social support! Share with your partner or best friend your resolution, then help each other out by checking in and celebrating progress.  Keep yourself motivated with small rewards every time you achieve a small step towards your goal. And no beating yourself up--this just leads to negativity, loss of motivation, and depression.  Give yourself encouragement, just as you would a friend!

Samantha's Suggested New Years Resolutions:

Increase mindfulness:  Build time into your daily schedule for deep breathing, meditation, mindful eating…use these skills when you are stressed, before a big work presentation, or to relax before bed

Increase physical activity: Walking counts! Take a stroll during your lunch hour, join a new gym or fitness class, refuse to let cold weather keep you inactive by going to an indoor golf simulator, indoor trampoline park, swimming, MMA, basketball, etc…make it fun! No one likes to exercise when they feel like it’s a chore.

Increase social connectedness: Call your parents or friends just to say hi, or send a friendly "thinking of you" text or e-mail, or better yet, drop a real card in the mail!  But watch out for time consuming social media sites, like Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes social media can feel overwhelming—don’t put pressure on yourself to keep up with everyone, just those you truly care about.  And sometimes seeing pictures and posts from “friends” (consider pruning, or defriending people you don’t actually know or care about) can make you feel crummy about yourself—stop comparing! If social media brings you down, maybe it’s time to set some limits.

Increase healthy sleep habits:  Refuse to snooze! Get to bed at a reasonable hour. Try not to sleep in on the weekends, which throws off your sleep cycle.

Decrease drinking/drug use: Sure, having a cocktail with a friend to catch up is relaxing and fun, but often times people end up self-medicating to deal with underlying stress, depression, or anxiety.  Try a fun, substance-free activity with a friend, like going to the movies, out to lunch, shopping, or a work out class instead.  If you hang out with the type of people who you only feel comfortable with when you’re boozing, perhaps you need to reconsider your friendship?

HAPPY 2014! MAKE THIS YEAR COUNT

Habits of Happy Couples

I stumbled across a short article by Dr. Mark Goulston, on Psychology Today and thought it was worth putting in my own two cents! He identifies 10 Habits of Happy Couples and I’ve expanded on them…

Read on to learn about 10 habits of happy couples...

1) Go to bed at the same time: Yes, I know you worked a long day and it’s easy to flop on the couch and drift off to the drone of the TV, but fight that urge and get up and into the sack with your significant other! Snuggling up in bed might cause some sexual excitement, but just having non-sexual physical affection for ten minutes each day has shown to increase relationship satisfaction.  In addition, it gives you time to have some quality conversation, so you’ll feel more connected.

2) Cultivate common interests: After the initial honeymoon stage, it’s important to realize that you share some activities together (besides sex) that you both enjoy.  You may each bring unique hobbies to the table, and loving couples show interest in their partner’s activities.  They bond over learning new skills and sharing new experiences.  Just don’t forget that you need a balance of having your own independent endeavors.

3) Walk hand in hand or side by side: Whether you’re out for a stroll or sight seeing, being with your partner and not running off without them, is important. Sharing this time together and being in the moment is what will strengthen your experience.

4) Make trust and forgiveness your default mode: I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but trust really is a building block to a strong relationship. It’s normal--couples argue, but happy couples foster forgiveness, not grudges.  Want to know more about your arguing style?  Take this quick quiz

5) Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong: Our society has taught us to search for the negative and try to fix it—not to appreciate what you have done well.  Latest research shows that gratitude is a key to happiness, so apply this to your relationship and appreciate the things your partner does right.  Everyone loves positive feedback, complements, and being built up, not put down.

6) Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work: Studies have shown that physical touch elicits positive emotion and intimacy from yourself, your partner, and has long-term psychological effects for wellbeing.  It’s a small act, but greeting your partner at the door with a loving hug can make them feel like a priority and shows that you are there to support them, especially after a difficult or long day.

7) Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning:
 Hearing these words gives you the warm fuzzies inside and lets you go off to battle your daily hassles and frustrating work with a little shield of love.

8) Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel: I would add to this say both “good night” and “I love you,” (similar to habit #7) 
each night, as it makes your partner feel secure in the relationship.  This will be especially important if you are upset about something, because it gives you and your partner hope that you will work through it, and that regardless of the issue, you still want to be in the relationship. 

9) Do a “weather” check during the day:
 It feels great to know that your partner is thinking about you during the day, despite being busy with work meetings or errands.  If a call is too time consuming, a quick text to saying “thinking of you” or “hope your day is going well” helps you feel connected.  Also, knowing how your partner’s day is going can help you figure out your time at home together later that night.  For example, you’ll know if you need to be extra supportive about something, or pick up a celebratory cake!

10) Be proud to be seen with your partner:
 Partners feel happy and valued when you are openly proud to have them on your arm.  Appropriate public displays of affection show that you enjoy being out and about with your significant other.

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These “habits” should feel natural, and are not meant to be time consuming.  Which behaviors are you already doing? Which habit can you try to incorporate more into your daily routine? At the end of the day, it’s all about making your partner happy, because in return, that should make you feel happy! 

Take Happiness into Your Hands!

I’ve posted about the pursuit of happiness before, and today I’ll break down research discussed in the Huffington Post article "The 9 Happiness Mistakes You're Probably Making"

Let’s look at some easy, hands-on ways you can increase your bliss…starting now!

1) Stop pressuring yourself to be happy!

Research shows that putting pressure on yourself to be happy can actually make you feel more lonely.  Rather than thinking about happiness as a static state that you feel you have to achieve, reframe your concept of happiness as an ongoing state of mind that you can achieve through positive experiences and gratitude.  For example, be mindful of a laugh with a friend, the fall foliage, or a hug from a loved one.  But don’t forget, feeling happy is similar to other feelings—it will eb and flow each day, month, and year. 

2) Stop over-sharing on social media sites!

Universityof Kansas researchers found that “people in romantic relationships don’t like their partner to broadcast their innermost feelings and personal experiences to the online social network.”  Researchers hypothesized that sharing personal information can lead to lower intimacy—this means your partner may not feel as close to you if you share your intimate feelings with him/her, as well as your 1,257 facebook friends!  It’s nice to keep others in the loop, but tweeting your relationship issues or your deepest emotions on a public format can lead to more problems than benefits. Although there are many social media benefits, it’s important not to rely on these sites for your sense of self-worth.  Sure, it feels good to get a “like” on a comment, or sharing a picture of you and your partner, but your happiness should not depend on the feedback you receive.  If sharing a picture or comment helps you be mindful, appreciative and increases your gratitude, then go ahead and share, but if it’s taking a toll on your relationship or lowering your self-esteem, it’s time to do some social editing.

3)  Put your computer & iPhone down and start living!

Social media sites help you feel socially connected, but being in the “here and now” is essential to your happiness! Yes, I’m guilty too—I enjoy taking pictures of social events, or just a beautiful walk by the river, but I’ve found a balance that feels comfortable for me—this may mean I capture the moment quickly, then step in front of the lens so that I can simply enjoy the moment, or chose to leave my camera in my purse. Go to dinner with a friend and keep your phone off of the table, stop obsessively refreshing your facebook page, and when you get home from your busy day at work, put your phone in the other room and set a healthy boundary that you will not take any work calls after 6pm. Give yourself permission to unplug!

4) Exercise!

Just walking can lead to decreased stress and depression and increased happiness.  Not only does exercise release chemicals that make you feel happier, but it can lead to reduced stress, increased self-esteem and productivity, and boost your brain power.

5) Meditate and be mindful!

Check out 8 benefits of meditation.  Being mindful means being in the present, being grateful for both small and large accomplishments, noticing what goes right (everyone is guilty on focusing on their faults), and appreciating the simple pleasures. 

Need a quick way to be more mindful, and thus happier, in this moment? Go unplug from this blog and spend 5 minutes outside—engage all of your senses and notice the temperature, sounds, sights, and smells of your surroundings!

Your Past, Present, & Future Path to Happiness!

The path to happiness—aren’t we all on a journey to find joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and contentment in our lives?  I just read about an interesting therapeutic approach, Time Perspective Therapy, created by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who examines six outlooks a person can have about his/her life:

1)  Past –Positive (You look back on the past with happiness and loving memories)

        2)  Past-Negative (You have regrets or negative memories of bad experiences)

        3)  Present-Hedonism (You are satisfied in your present life and enjoy rewarding yourself)

        4)  Present-Fatalism (You feel that control is in fate’s hands, so why bother)

        5)  Goal-Oriented Future (You plan ahead and actively weight costs/benefits)

        6)  Transcendental-Future (You lead a moral, good life because you believe heaven is after death)

Click here to test your own Time Perspective!

As you may assume, Zimbardo suggests that the best combination to have is a mix of high past-positive, relatively high goal-oriented future, and moderate present hedonism.  This translates into looking back on your past with fond memories, being driven for your future and expecting a good outcome, and being satisfied with your present life and rewarding yourself when appropriate.  If you fall into this category, it sounds like you may be fairly high on the happiness scale!

The risky combination, which may be seen in people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, is a combination of significant past-negative and present-fatalism, which translates into someone who has regret and traumatic past experiences, and who feels he/she can’t do anything to change it.  A common symptom in depression is hopelessness for the future, and someone with this combination would likely have low future orientation.

The relieving news is that you are not stuck with your current time perspective! Zimbardo showed that you can change your past-positive score.  For example, by letting go of the trauma and negative events, and focusing on the details of the positive past, such as by retelling happy experiences, creating photo albums, and writing gratitude letters to people who encouraged you.  In the present, research shows you can increase your happiness by doing things like exercise, helping a friend/volunteering, being appreciative of the little things, and increasing social support.  Reward yourself with fun activities, like going out to eat with a friend, or spoil yourself with a massage.  And as far as the future goes, plan things you can look forward to, such as a vacation or social event.

It’s really about changing your perspective from what’s bad in your life and out of your control, to what’s good in your life and what’s in your control.  Try not to ruminate on mistakes, and focus your energy on moving in a positive direction.  Taking baby steps and acknowledging small progress will help you feel more satisfied in the present and more hopeful for the future.

Check out this brief video on a fascinating marshmallow study (yes, I said marshmallow!) and "how your own relationship to time plays a significant role in your happiness."