"I'm Dating Someone Even Though I'm Married:" How to Keep Your Relationship Alive!

Want advice for a successful relationship? Read on

I stumbled across a blog post that made me stop and think about how often this applies to couples that I counsel:

 Only January 6, 2014 Jarrid Wilson wrote:

I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married. 

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end. 

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

Prioritize your partner to feel connected

Jarrid’s post struck me because I come across couples in my practice who have stopped appreciating each other, and have become lazy in their relationships.  Whether you are in a long-term committed relationship or married, the passion and romance of the first few months or year can quickly fade, leaving you feeling taken advantage of or under appreciated when you’re not actively working on your relationships.  It’s easy for the magic to wear off when you have a big work project, your kids are sick, and you have to run to the grocery store.  Don’t get stuck in the status quo, the daily grind that sometimes puts your relationship on the back burner.

When you commit to your partner, you should vow to make them happy and feel special every day—I’m not talking about big grand gestures every day (like flowers or gifts), but simple words like “Thank you for being so supportive,”  “I adore the way you crinkle your nose,” “you look so handsome in that sweater,” “I couldn’t have made it through this without you,” “I love you,” to show how much you care. 

People make a choice (sometimes conscious or unconscious) each day to stay in their relationship.  You may have certain expectations (sometimes unspoken) of your partner—for example, your partner is supposed to meet your sexual needs, be affectionate, clean the dishes, etc.  And over time we can become selfish—you believe that your partner has to do these things just because they are with you.  By reframing your outlook—shifting to the thought that it’s a privilege to have your partner, you can begin to change your behaviors to show gratefulness and respect.  Keep the romance alive!

Continuing to “date” even though you are married or have been together a long time means continuing to value your partner by finding ways to make them feel loved and supported, to strengthen your bond by continuing to make time for your relationship and growing together through busy schedules or challenging life experiences, and actively talking about your relationship by remembering the fond memories and identifying new goals and adventures for the future.

Ring in the New Year with a Lasting Resolution

Need inspiration for a New Years resolution that actually sticks?  Ask yourself the following questions:  

What can I do to improve my health (physical, mental, spiritual, environmental)?

How can I be a better partner, parent, or friend?  

How can I be more successful at work?

How can I increase my happiness at work and home?  

Now make a list! Physically writing it down helps to make these ideas become concrete.  Prioritize your responses and just pick one or two to focus on for the beginning of 2014.  No go big or go home mentality here--this is unrealistic and sets you up for self-sabotage!  

The hardest step is breaking down these goals into bite size pieces so that they feel more manageable. What changes can you make that will put you closer to your goal? Let’s take weight loss as a popular, and easy example…let’s say you want to lose 20 pounds in 2014.  There’s no way this is happening in the next month or two, so rather than burning out and feeling disappointed when the scale doesn’t go down in the next couple weeks (and emotionally eating it all back), break it down into more achievable goals/steps:

I will eat a healthy breakfast every morning

I will go to the gym 3 days per week

I will walk for 10 minutes on my lunch break

I will keep a food journal each day 

I will eat brown rice instead of white rice

I will only eat dessert on the weekends

Keep your goal somewhere visible for motivation (a post-it on your mirror, on the fridge, in your wallet, a document on your desktop).  Most people forget all about their resolutions by February! Don’t let this happen to you—track your goal by picking a date in your calendar to evaluate your progress. Or write your smaller goals/steps on a to-do list and check them off as the week goes on.  

It’s ok, and helpful to ask for social support! Share with your partner or best friend your resolution, then help each other out by checking in and celebrating progress.  Keep yourself motivated with small rewards every time you achieve a small step towards your goal. And no beating yourself up--this just leads to negativity, loss of motivation, and depression.  Give yourself encouragement, just as you would a friend!

Samantha's Suggested New Years Resolutions:

Increase mindfulness:  Build time into your daily schedule for deep breathing, meditation, mindful eating…use these skills when you are stressed, before a big work presentation, or to relax before bed

Increase physical activity: Walking counts! Take a stroll during your lunch hour, join a new gym or fitness class, refuse to let cold weather keep you inactive by going to an indoor golf simulator, indoor trampoline park, swimming, MMA, basketball, etc…make it fun! No one likes to exercise when they feel like it’s a chore.

Increase social connectedness: Call your parents or friends just to say hi, or send a friendly "thinking of you" text or e-mail, or better yet, drop a real card in the mail!  But watch out for time consuming social media sites, like Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes social media can feel overwhelming—don’t put pressure on yourself to keep up with everyone, just those you truly care about.  And sometimes seeing pictures and posts from “friends” (consider pruning, or defriending people you don’t actually know or care about) can make you feel crummy about yourself—stop comparing! If social media brings you down, maybe it’s time to set some limits.

Increase healthy sleep habits:  Refuse to snooze! Get to bed at a reasonable hour. Try not to sleep in on the weekends, which throws off your sleep cycle.

Decrease drinking/drug use: Sure, having a cocktail with a friend to catch up is relaxing and fun, but often times people end up self-medicating to deal with underlying stress, depression, or anxiety.  Try a fun, substance-free activity with a friend, like going to the movies, out to lunch, shopping, or a work out class instead.  If you hang out with the type of people who you only feel comfortable with when you’re boozing, perhaps you need to reconsider your friendship?

HAPPY 2014! MAKE THIS YEAR COUNT