"I'm Dating Someone Even Though I'm Married:" How to Keep Your Relationship Alive!

Want advice for a successful relationship? Read on

I stumbled across a blog post that made me stop and think about how often this applies to couples that I counsel:

 Only January 6, 2014 Jarrid Wilson wrote:

I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married. 

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end. 

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

Prioritize your partner to feel connected

Jarrid’s post struck me because I come across couples in my practice who have stopped appreciating each other, and have become lazy in their relationships.  Whether you are in a long-term committed relationship or married, the passion and romance of the first few months or year can quickly fade, leaving you feeling taken advantage of or under appreciated when you’re not actively working on your relationships.  It’s easy for the magic to wear off when you have a big work project, your kids are sick, and you have to run to the grocery store.  Don’t get stuck in the status quo, the daily grind that sometimes puts your relationship on the back burner.

When you commit to your partner, you should vow to make them happy and feel special every day—I’m not talking about big grand gestures every day (like flowers or gifts), but simple words like “Thank you for being so supportive,”  “I adore the way you crinkle your nose,” “you look so handsome in that sweater,” “I couldn’t have made it through this without you,” “I love you,” to show how much you care. 

People make a choice (sometimes conscious or unconscious) each day to stay in their relationship.  You may have certain expectations (sometimes unspoken) of your partner—for example, your partner is supposed to meet your sexual needs, be affectionate, clean the dishes, etc.  And over time we can become selfish—you believe that your partner has to do these things just because they are with you.  By reframing your outlook—shifting to the thought that it’s a privilege to have your partner, you can begin to change your behaviors to show gratefulness and respect.  Keep the romance alive!

Continuing to “date” even though you are married or have been together a long time means continuing to value your partner by finding ways to make them feel loved and supported, to strengthen your bond by continuing to make time for your relationship and growing together through busy schedules or challenging life experiences, and actively talking about your relationship by remembering the fond memories and identifying new goals and adventures for the future.