Emotional Affairs: Are You Cheating?

In the media, it seems like a new affair is brought into the limelight every week.  But it’s not just the president, politicians, movie stars, and professional athletes that have been affected by the shattered reality and hurt of infidelity.  Most likely, you or someone you know has been affected by cheating.

So what is infidelity anyway?  I like this definition:

“Infidelity is a sexual and/or emotional act engaged in by one person within a committed relationship, where such an act occurs outside of the primary relationship and constitutes a breach of trust and/or violation of agreed-upon norms (overt and covert) by one or both individuals in that relationship in relation to romantic/emotional or sexual exclusivity.” (Blow & Hartnett, 2005a, p.191-192)

The key here is the breach of trust, and usually the unspoken norms that both partners are expected to uphold.  Certain types of behaviors can violate these norms and emotional infidelity may start out innocently, but has the potential to be just as damaging as physical infidelity.  Obviously sexual and physical acts clearly cross the boundary of your committed relationship, but it’s the emotional infidelity that typically starts on a blurred line. 

What is an emotional affair, and how do you know if you’re having one? 

Usually, an emotional affair starts out with a friendship—it can be someone in the office, a classmate, or even someone you meet online.  The blurred line between friendship and emotional affair occurs when there’s inappropriate behavior that violates your “agreed upon norms” with your partner.  The reality is that everyone is at risk for an emotional affair.  It’s natural and feels good to receive affection and attention, but it’s important to get these needs met by your partner.

Usually, the affair begins when you notice yourself really looking forward to talking to your “friend”—they may make you laugh, or support you through a hard day, or you begin to vent to them about frustrations with your partner.  This behavior becomes problematic because you’re creating an intimate bond with this third person that does not include your partner.  Sometimes you’re having discussions with your “friend” that should really be had with your partner.  If you’re at the point where you can confide in this “friend” about your relationship problems, you’re allowing this person to move in and fill your emotional needs where your partner is lacking.  You may not intentionally be doing this—sometimes it just feels good to vent—but sometimes you may unknowingly be setting your “friend” up to come to the rescue.  Creating this intimacy can lead to strong emotional attachments...and may even lead to some questionable should touching…then hugging…then kissing…and you know where this is going!  By now you should realize they are more than a friend, and that’s not ok.

RED FLAGS that may signal an emotional affair:

1.  You confide in your “friend” about problems in your relationship. You may even talk to him/her first before your partner.
2.  You keep your “friendship” a secret from your partner, or from your friends. Or, if you do bring it up, you keep some parts hidden because they feel inappropriate
3.   You get excited to talk with your “friend,” and may look forward to your time with him/her more than a typical friend
4. You have some flirtatious interactions, or talk about sexual things with your “friend.”  Playful comments should be for your partner…
5. You take your “friend” into account when you’re getting dressed in the morning, and find yourself wanting to appear attractive to him/her
6. You fantasize about your “friend” in a sexual way
7. You text or e-mail your friend at times when you should be with your partner

Listen to your gut. If you notice any of these signs, or there’s a small spark of chemistry that has been growing, you’ve probably entered into an emotional affair.  You may deny your feelings, but if you feel guilty or can’t be totally honest with your partner about your interactions with your “friend, ” then that boundary has been crossed. But it’s not too late!

Actions to take with your “friend”:

1.  If you’re able to, consider completely cutting off the friendship.  Especially if you’re still fantasizing about your “friend,” looking good for them, keeping it a secret, or feeling guilty
2. Create new boundaries—this may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with your “friend,” only being around them with other people present, or limiting your conversation to safe, appropriate topics
3.  No more talking about your relationship problems! That’s for you and your partner to discuss.  Social support is healthy, but find a supporter who you’re not attracted to.

 Actions to take in your relationship:

1.  Acknowledge that you’re dissatisfied in aspects of your relationship
2.  Reflect on your relationship and what emotional and physical needs are not being met by your partner
3. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your needs that are not being met.  There’s a good chance your partner also has some concerns.  Don’t just focus on the negative—point out what’s going well, too.
4. Together, identify 2 or 3 areas to work on.  Discuss steps you can take to feel more connected around these needs
5. Go on a fun date! Even when life gets busy with work, kids, and other commitments, you need to make your relationship a priority.

Remember, strong boundaries= strong relationship!

Habits of Happy Couples

I stumbled across a short article by Dr. Mark Goulston, on Psychology Today and thought it was worth putting in my own two cents! He identifies 10 Habits of Happy Couples and I’ve expanded on them…

Read on to learn about 10 habits of happy couples...

1) Go to bed at the same time: Yes, I know you worked a long day and it’s easy to flop on the couch and drift off to the drone of the TV, but fight that urge and get up and into the sack with your significant other! Snuggling up in bed might cause some sexual excitement, but just having non-sexual physical affection for ten minutes each day has shown to increase relationship satisfaction.  In addition, it gives you time to have some quality conversation, so you’ll feel more connected.

2) Cultivate common interests: After the initial honeymoon stage, it’s important to realize that you share some activities together (besides sex) that you both enjoy.  You may each bring unique hobbies to the table, and loving couples show interest in their partner’s activities.  They bond over learning new skills and sharing new experiences.  Just don’t forget that you need a balance of having your own independent endeavors.

3) Walk hand in hand or side by side: Whether you’re out for a stroll or sight seeing, being with your partner and not running off without them, is important. Sharing this time together and being in the moment is what will strengthen your experience.

4) Make trust and forgiveness your default mode: I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but trust really is a building block to a strong relationship. It’s normal--couples argue, but happy couples foster forgiveness, not grudges.  Want to know more about your arguing style?  Take this quick quiz

5) Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong: Our society has taught us to search for the negative and try to fix it—not to appreciate what you have done well.  Latest research shows that gratitude is a key to happiness, so apply this to your relationship and appreciate the things your partner does right.  Everyone loves positive feedback, complements, and being built up, not put down.

6) Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work: Studies have shown that physical touch elicits positive emotion and intimacy from yourself, your partner, and has long-term psychological effects for wellbeing.  It’s a small act, but greeting your partner at the door with a loving hug can make them feel like a priority and shows that you are there to support them, especially after a difficult or long day.

7) Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning:
 Hearing these words gives you the warm fuzzies inside and lets you go off to battle your daily hassles and frustrating work with a little shield of love.

8) Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel: I would add to this say both “good night” and “I love you,” (similar to habit #7) 
each night, as it makes your partner feel secure in the relationship.  This will be especially important if you are upset about something, because it gives you and your partner hope that you will work through it, and that regardless of the issue, you still want to be in the relationship. 

9) Do a “weather” check during the day:
 It feels great to know that your partner is thinking about you during the day, despite being busy with work meetings or errands.  If a call is too time consuming, a quick text to saying “thinking of you” or “hope your day is going well” helps you feel connected.  Also, knowing how your partner’s day is going can help you figure out your time at home together later that night.  For example, you’ll know if you need to be extra supportive about something, or pick up a celebratory cake!

10) Be proud to be seen with your partner:
 Partners feel happy and valued when you are openly proud to have them on your arm.  Appropriate public displays of affection show that you enjoy being out and about with your significant other.

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These “habits” should feel natural, and are not meant to be time consuming.  Which behaviors are you already doing? Which habit can you try to incorporate more into your daily routine? At the end of the day, it’s all about making your partner happy, because in return, that should make you feel happy!