What's Motivating Your Sex Life?

Unhappy sex life? Read on to increase desire & satisfaction 

Has sex become a chore in your relationship? Do you sometimes just do it to keep your partner from complaining about how long it’s been since the last time?  When did sex go from passionate and kinky to boring and routine?

It’s no surprise that frequent, great sex leads to more satisfaction in relationships.  But new research from the University of Toronto shows that it’s not the frequency that matters, but the motivation behind sex that’s the key to happiness.

  

In sum, motivation for sex can be broken into two categories:

1) “Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ‘I want to increase intimacy with my spouse’ or ‘I want to feel closer to my partner.’”

2)  “Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ‘I want to avoid conflict’ or ‘I don't want to feel guilty.’”

Man or woman—motivating reasons were equally important for both!  Think about it, if you have sex with your wife just so she doesn’t nag you about it, your enthusiasm may be lacking and she can pick up on these small non-verbal behaviors and attitude. Sex is most enjoyable when both people are fully invested and excited, which may only happen when using approach motives (to increase intimacy, to be sexually gratified and to connect). With positive approach motives, your partner’s desire and sexual satisfaction will increase. 

  

You may be wondering about an important question raised in the article, “Is it better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all?” Although people feel more satisfied and connected in their relationship when having sex, it’s important to be in tune with why you are having sex.  If you start to notice that the answers are avoidant (you don’t want to feel pressure or argue about it), then maybe this is reflecting larger relationship issues.  

If you’re not feeling emotionally connected, what non-sexual things can you do that will make you feel closer and more attracted to your partner?  This may mean working on your communication skills, making it a priority to go on a fun, stress-free date, and/or self-care that will make you feel sexy (exercise/lingerie/massage).  

Remember, connecting outside of the bedroom leads to intimacy in the bedroom.  When you are feeling strong and close in your relationship, you will naturally have more approach motives for sex.