DATING 101

Recently I’ve had many clients with a common theme come to see me at my practice…Dating. Do you cringe at the word? It scares some, excites others. Both men and women bring their dating woes to me: College students frustrated with the hook-up culture, young professionals looking for a commitment—tired of swiping hot or not on their Tinder apps, singles approaching their 30s and 40s disappointed that they have failed to meet their artificial life timelines. 

Discouraged, disrespected, fed-up with putting yourself out there? Too afraid to be vulnerable? Some blame themselves, others blame the people who don’t click on their profile, or the disastrous, awkward first date that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time, or the mystery man/woman who disappears without a phone call or text after a few “great”dates.

Dating dud?

I always tell my clients that dating is both the most personal and impersonal experience. You can walk down the street and pass 100 people—are you attracted to all of them? No. Not everyone who walks by you is attracted to you either. If you can approach dating with the mindset that not everyone is going to like you or be your soulmate, then you can successfully make it out without a terribly bruised ego, and perhaps a great partner.  No one likes getting rejected, but it’s part of dating. If you can accept that, then you can protect your self-esteem and move forward.

Self-esteem is at the core of dating. Dating requires confidence. Confidence in yourself—your body, your interests, your values, your hopes.  If you can’t answer the most basic questions on a dating profile (ex. your hobbies, what you’re doing with your life, your idea of a fun date, an interesting fact about yourself, the qualities you value in a partner), then perhaps you need to be spending more time exploring, discovering, and reflecting on yourself than in the dating world. After all, you have to be able to stand alone to stand beside another.  Basically, you have to like yourself!

Don’t settle. You have to believe that you are deserving of being respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. You can certainly find a relationship if you feel insecure, worthless, or unworthy, but it won’t be healthy and won’t make you happy longer term. Create a solid foundation with the basic requirements of a relationship—trust, exclusivity, love, support, attraction, and then build from there with your partner’s qualities that make the relationship unique and personal to you (ex. funny, intellectually curious, motivated, passionate, etc.).  You deserve more than being with someone solely because they don’t cheat on you. Start with the foundation, then build up!

Whether you go online, or pick someone up “organically,” does it really matter how you met when you’ve fallen in love or are spending your life with the right person?

Dating site drama?

When it comes to dating, be proactive. You get out of dating what you put in—especially when it comes to online dating. There are millions of people out there—how do you stand out? Take time to create a genuine profile that represents you.  Think of it like applying to jobs online—on LinkedIn, there’s a better chance of getting recruited if you’ve presented an organized and thought out resume/description. Do people get recruited for dream jobs with just a pretty picture and a brief caption? Probably not. So put in a little more effort.

If you prefer to meet people out and about, put yourself in social situations where you can meet quality people. You’ve probably heard that picking someone up at a bar does not lead to a relationship—there’s mixed opinions, but ultimately if you’re going out to meet your future wife/husband, you should probably give yourself a two drink limit. You don’t need alcohol as a crutch. Stay coherent, have a real conversation.  Search outside of the bar scene--sign up for a local intramural kickball league, take a cooking class, join a gym, sit in a coffee shop, or browse your farmer’s market for more than just food.  Get out of your weekly routine where you see the same people and do the same things.  Post-work or weekend sweat pants and your favorite TV show sounds relaxing, but it won’t magically connect you with someone. If things haven’t been working, you have to make changes.

Put yourself out there by spending time in public places!

Everyone has their own dating rules and etiquette. I personally believe women can message men first, without it conflicting with the stereotypical belief that men need to be the pursuers. Just creating a profile and hoping someone clicks on it and writes you a cute, personal, or quirky message isn’t enough. Take action! Click on profiles that intrigue you—send winks, likes, flirts, pokes. Be ok with the reality that not everyone will respond. Do you wait for your dream job to fall into your lap, or do you work hard, network, and float out lots of resumes?

Flesh out people who are not looking for the same thing as you. If someone clearly tells you they are looking for a friend with benefits situation, or a one-night stand, then take them for their word. Don’t try to change people or force them into a relationship. You can’t control others, but you can control your reaction to them. Ask yourself if you’re ok waiting around for them to want a relationship, or if you should take the courageous step to walk away and accept that you’re not on the same page. So much of dating success is about timing.

For you perfectionists out there—be open minded. Strike a balance between picky and realistic. Ask yourself what are your deal breakers (yes, real deal breakers, like values, religion, wanting children) and what can you live without? Try making a list of 5 must-haves, 3 would-be-nice-to-haves, and 2 things you could give up when it comes to your partner's qualities/characteristics.  Someone once told me that the person you should be with is the one you want to change the least about. Because again, you can’t change people. You can accept them, love them, and learn to live with their flaws.  Through the process of dating (a collection of data--your likes, dislikes, regrets, triggers, learned lessons, etc.), you'll find that the person you choose for the long haul is the one you want to change the least.