What's Motivating Your Sex Life?

Unhappy sex life? Read on to increase desire & satisfaction 

Has sex become a chore in your relationship? Do you sometimes just do it to keep your partner from complaining about how long it’s been since the last time?  When did sex go from passionate and kinky to boring and routine?

It’s no surprise that frequent, great sex leads to more satisfaction in relationships.  But new research from the University of Toronto shows that it’s not the frequency that matters, but the motivation behind sex that’s the key to happiness.

  

In sum, motivation for sex can be broken into two categories:

1) “Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. ‘I want to increase intimacy with my spouse’ or ‘I want to feel closer to my partner.’”

2)  “Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. ‘I want to avoid conflict’ or ‘I don't want to feel guilty.’”

Man or woman—motivating reasons were equally important for both!  Think about it, if you have sex with your wife just so she doesn’t nag you about it, your enthusiasm may be lacking and she can pick up on these small non-verbal behaviors and attitude. Sex is most enjoyable when both people are fully invested and excited, which may only happen when using approach motives (to increase intimacy, to be sexually gratified and to connect). With positive approach motives, your partner’s desire and sexual satisfaction will increase. 

  

You may be wondering about an important question raised in the article, “Is it better to have sex for negative, or avoidance, reasons than not at all?” Although people feel more satisfied and connected in their relationship when having sex, it’s important to be in tune with why you are having sex.  If you start to notice that the answers are avoidant (you don’t want to feel pressure or argue about it), then maybe this is reflecting larger relationship issues.  

If you’re not feeling emotionally connected, what non-sexual things can you do that will make you feel closer and more attracted to your partner?  This may mean working on your communication skills, making it a priority to go on a fun, stress-free date, and/or self-care that will make you feel sexy (exercise/lingerie/massage).  

Remember, connecting outside of the bedroom leads to intimacy in the bedroom.  When you are feeling strong and close in your relationship, you will naturally have more approach motives for sex.

Get Better and Healthier Sleep TODAY!

Sleep affects everything from mood to weight, so why not practice the best sleep techniques to get your body happy and healthy?  Sleep deprivation has been shown to have some serious negative side effects, such as killing your sex drive, impairing your attention and concentration (good-bye work productivity), heart disease, high blood pressure and stroke, dangerous drowsy driving, weight gain, and a weakened immune system.  

Anyone can reap the benefits of a well rested body and brain, you just have to make it a priority! Here are some simple steps you can start today to practice healthy sleep habits:

1) Wake up at the same time everyday….yes, even on weekends!
2) Check your technology at the door!
3) Napping is not just for babies...take a siesta for 30 min or less (ideal between 2-3pm)!
4) Exercise lifts your spirits, drops your pants size, AND helps you sleep more soundly!
5) Bring back a bedtime routine!
6) Skip the late night snack!
7) Sleep= Health & Performance!
8) Control your worry about not getting enough sleep!

Read more: 8 Habits of Well Rested People

Take Happiness into Your Hands!

I’ve posted about the pursuit of happiness before, and today I’ll break down research discussed in the Huffington Post article "The 9 Happiness Mistakes You're Probably Making"

Let’s look at some easy, hands-on ways you can increase your bliss…starting now!

1) Stop pressuring yourself to be happy!

Research shows that putting pressure on yourself to be happy can actually make you feel more lonely.  Rather than thinking about happiness as a static state that you feel you have to achieve, reframe your concept of happiness as an ongoing state of mind that you can achieve through positive experiences and gratitude.  For example, be mindful of a laugh with a friend, the fall foliage, or a hug from a loved one.  But don’t forget, feeling happy is similar to other feelings—it will eb and flow each day, month, and year. 

2) Stop over-sharing on social media sites!

Universityof Kansas researchers found that “people in romantic relationships don’t like their partner to broadcast their innermost feelings and personal experiences to the online social network.”  Researchers hypothesized that sharing personal information can lead to lower intimacy—this means your partner may not feel as close to you if you share your intimate feelings with him/her, as well as your 1,257 facebook friends!  It’s nice to keep others in the loop, but tweeting your relationship issues or your deepest emotions on a public format can lead to more problems than benefits. Although there are many social media benefits, it’s important not to rely on these sites for your sense of self-worth.  Sure, it feels good to get a “like” on a comment, or sharing a picture of you and your partner, but your happiness should not depend on the feedback you receive.  If sharing a picture or comment helps you be mindful, appreciative and increases your gratitude, then go ahead and share, but if it’s taking a toll on your relationship or lowering your self-esteem, it’s time to do some social editing.

3)  Put your computer & iPhone down and start living!

Social media sites help you feel socially connected, but being in the “here and now” is essential to your happiness! Yes, I’m guilty too—I enjoy taking pictures of social events, or just a beautiful walk by the river, but I’ve found a balance that feels comfortable for me—this may mean I capture the moment quickly, then step in front of the lens so that I can simply enjoy the moment, or chose to leave my camera in my purse. Go to dinner with a friend and keep your phone off of the table, stop obsessively refreshing your facebook page, and when you get home from your busy day at work, put your phone in the other room and set a healthy boundary that you will not take any work calls after 6pm. Give yourself permission to unplug!

4) Exercise!

Just walking can lead to decreased stress and depression and increased happiness.  Not only does exercise release chemicals that make you feel happier, but it can lead to reduced stress, increased self-esteem and productivity, and boost your brain power.

5) Meditate and be mindful!

Check out 8 benefits of meditation.  Being mindful means being in the present, being grateful for both small and large accomplishments, noticing what goes right (everyone is guilty on focusing on their faults), and appreciating the simple pleasures. 

Need a quick way to be more mindful, and thus happier, in this moment? Go unplug from this blog and spend 5 minutes outside—engage all of your senses and notice the temperature, sounds, sights, and smells of your surroundings!

Get your daily dose of CALM!

Is it one of those spill your coffee, stuck in traffic, meeting with your boss, pull your hair out kind of days? Treat yourself to two minutes of peace and relaxation! Check out http://www.calm.com where you can customize a soothing background (imagine beaches with rolling waves, rain falling, lakes with rippling water), and listen to a guided meditation (you have listening options of 2 to 20 minutes) by the most soothing voice I have ever heard...

Manage your stress at work!

My best tip is to plug in your headphones at the end of your lunch break and rejuvenate yourself for the rest of the day, or download the iPhone App for your dose of calm on the go!

Your Past, Present, & Future Path to Happiness!

The path to happiness—aren’t we all on a journey to find joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, and contentment in our lives?  I just read about an interesting therapeutic approach, Time Perspective Therapy, created by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, who examines six outlooks a person can have about his/her life:

1)  Past –Positive (You look back on the past with happiness and loving memories)

        2)  Past-Negative (You have regrets or negative memories of bad experiences)

        3)  Present-Hedonism (You are satisfied in your present life and enjoy rewarding yourself)

        4)  Present-Fatalism (You feel that control is in fate’s hands, so why bother)

        5)  Goal-Oriented Future (You plan ahead and actively weight costs/benefits)

        6)  Transcendental-Future (You lead a moral, good life because you believe heaven is after death)

Click here to test your own Time Perspective!

As you may assume, Zimbardo suggests that the best combination to have is a mix of high past-positive, relatively high goal-oriented future, and moderate present hedonism.  This translates into looking back on your past with fond memories, being driven for your future and expecting a good outcome, and being satisfied with your present life and rewarding yourself when appropriate.  If you fall into this category, it sounds like you may be fairly high on the happiness scale!

The risky combination, which may be seen in people with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, is a combination of significant past-negative and present-fatalism, which translates into someone who has regret and traumatic past experiences, and who feels he/she can’t do anything to change it.  A common symptom in depression is hopelessness for the future, and someone with this combination would likely have low future orientation.

The relieving news is that you are not stuck with your current time perspective! Zimbardo showed that you can change your past-positive score.  For example, by letting go of the trauma and negative events, and focusing on the details of the positive past, such as by retelling happy experiences, creating photo albums, and writing gratitude letters to people who encouraged you.  In the present, research shows you can increase your happiness by doing things like exercise, helping a friend/volunteering, being appreciative of the little things, and increasing social support.  Reward yourself with fun activities, like going out to eat with a friend, or spoil yourself with a massage.  And as far as the future goes, plan things you can look forward to, such as a vacation or social event.

It’s really about changing your perspective from what’s bad in your life and out of your control, to what’s good in your life and what’s in your control.  Try not to ruminate on mistakes, and focus your energy on moving in a positive direction.  Taking baby steps and acknowledging small progress will help you feel more satisfied in the present and more hopeful for the future.

Check out this brief video on a fascinating marshmallow study (yes, I said marshmallow!) and "how your own relationship to time plays a significant role in your happiness."

BE HAPPY NOW!

Take happiness into your own hands—read this article to find out how

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps

Take home messages=be KIND, be GRATEFUL, & stop creating artificial problems in your head!

Substance Abuse Recovery Group for College Students

What: This therapy group is for male and female college students who are working on being clean and sober from drugs and alcohol due to addiction or substance use issues. Topics addressed include relapse prevention, coping skills, stress management, socializing at college without drugs/alcohol, and mental health issues

When: Beginning Monday October 28^th at 7pm

            Groups will be one hour on an ongoing basis on Mondays

at 7pm

Where: 233 Harvard Street Suite 301

               Brookline, MA 02446

 *T-accessible (Green line, car C)

Cost: $10 per group

Contact: Samantha Burns, LMHC

                 781-214-6258

                 Burnsmentalhealth@gmail.com         https://www.facebook.com/BurnsMentalHealthandWellness

*Students need to have a brief phone interview with the group leader before joining. Please call or e-mail Samantha