"I'm Dating Someone Even Though I'm Married:" How to Keep Your Relationship Alive!

Want advice for a successful relationship? Read on

I stumbled across a blog post that made me stop and think about how often this applies to couples that I counsel:

 Only January 6, 2014 Jarrid Wilson wrote:

I have a confession to make. I’m dating someone even though I’m married. 

She’s an incredible girl. She’s beautiful, smart, cunning, strong, and has an immensely strong faith in God. I love to take her out to dinner, movies, local shows, and always tell her how beautiful she is. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at her for longer than five minutes, and her smile always seems to brighten up my day no matter the circumstances.

Sometimes she will visit me at work unannounced, make me an incredible lunch, or even surprise me with something she personally baked. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be dating someone even though I am married. I encourage you to try it and see what it can do for your life.

Oh! Did I mention the woman I am dating is my wife? What did you expect?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean your dating life should end. 

I need to continue to date my wife even after I marry her. Pursuing my wife shouldn’t stop just because we both said, “I do.” Way too many times do I see relationships stop growing because people stop taking the initiative to pursue one another.

Dating is a time where you get to learn about someone in a special and unique way. Why would you want that to ever stop? It shouldn’t. Those butterflies you got on the first date shouldn’t stop just because the years have passed. Wake up each day and pursue your spouse as if you are still on your first few dates. You will see a drastic change for the better in your relationship.

When it comes to any relationship, communication and the action of constant pursuit is key. Nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to pursue them whole-heartedly.

I encourage you to date your spouse, pursue them whole-heartedly, and understand that dating shouldn’t end just because you said, “I do.”

Prioritize your partner to feel connected

Jarrid’s post struck me because I come across couples in my practice who have stopped appreciating each other, and have become lazy in their relationships.  Whether you are in a long-term committed relationship or married, the passion and romance of the first few months or year can quickly fade, leaving you feeling taken advantage of or under appreciated when you’re not actively working on your relationships.  It’s easy for the magic to wear off when you have a big work project, your kids are sick, and you have to run to the grocery store.  Don’t get stuck in the status quo, the daily grind that sometimes puts your relationship on the back burner.

When you commit to your partner, you should vow to make them happy and feel special every day—I’m not talking about big grand gestures every day (like flowers or gifts), but simple words like “Thank you for being so supportive,”  “I adore the way you crinkle your nose,” “you look so handsome in that sweater,” “I couldn’t have made it through this without you,” “I love you,” to show how much you care. 

People make a choice (sometimes conscious or unconscious) each day to stay in their relationship.  You may have certain expectations (sometimes unspoken) of your partner—for example, your partner is supposed to meet your sexual needs, be affectionate, clean the dishes, etc.  And over time we can become selfish—you believe that your partner has to do these things just because they are with you.  By reframing your outlook—shifting to the thought that it’s a privilege to have your partner, you can begin to change your behaviors to show gratefulness and respect.  Keep the romance alive!

Continuing to “date” even though you are married or have been together a long time means continuing to value your partner by finding ways to make them feel loved and supported, to strengthen your bond by continuing to make time for your relationship and growing together through busy schedules or challenging life experiences, and actively talking about your relationship by remembering the fond memories and identifying new goals and adventures for the future.

Ring in the New Year with a Lasting Resolution

Need inspiration for a New Years resolution that actually sticks?  Ask yourself the following questions:  

What can I do to improve my health (physical, mental, spiritual, environmental)?

How can I be a better partner, parent, or friend?  

How can I be more successful at work?

How can I increase my happiness at work and home?  

Now make a list! Physically writing it down helps to make these ideas become concrete.  Prioritize your responses and just pick one or two to focus on for the beginning of 2014.  No go big or go home mentality here--this is unrealistic and sets you up for self-sabotage!  

The hardest step is breaking down these goals into bite size pieces so that they feel more manageable. What changes can you make that will put you closer to your goal? Let’s take weight loss as a popular, and easy example…let’s say you want to lose 20 pounds in 2014.  There’s no way this is happening in the next month or two, so rather than burning out and feeling disappointed when the scale doesn’t go down in the next couple weeks (and emotionally eating it all back), break it down into more achievable goals/steps:

I will eat a healthy breakfast every morning

I will go to the gym 3 days per week

I will walk for 10 minutes on my lunch break

I will keep a food journal each day 

I will eat brown rice instead of white rice

I will only eat dessert on the weekends

Keep your goal somewhere visible for motivation (a post-it on your mirror, on the fridge, in your wallet, a document on your desktop).  Most people forget all about their resolutions by February! Don’t let this happen to you—track your goal by picking a date in your calendar to evaluate your progress. Or write your smaller goals/steps on a to-do list and check them off as the week goes on.  

It’s ok, and helpful to ask for social support! Share with your partner or best friend your resolution, then help each other out by checking in and celebrating progress.  Keep yourself motivated with small rewards every time you achieve a small step towards your goal. And no beating yourself up--this just leads to negativity, loss of motivation, and depression.  Give yourself encouragement, just as you would a friend!

Samantha's Suggested New Years Resolutions:

Increase mindfulness:  Build time into your daily schedule for deep breathing, meditation, mindful eating…use these skills when you are stressed, before a big work presentation, or to relax before bed

Increase physical activity: Walking counts! Take a stroll during your lunch hour, join a new gym or fitness class, refuse to let cold weather keep you inactive by going to an indoor golf simulator, indoor trampoline park, swimming, MMA, basketball, etc…make it fun! No one likes to exercise when they feel like it’s a chore.

Increase social connectedness: Call your parents or friends just to say hi, or send a friendly "thinking of you" text or e-mail, or better yet, drop a real card in the mail!  But watch out for time consuming social media sites, like Facebook and Instagram.  Sometimes social media can feel overwhelming—don’t put pressure on yourself to keep up with everyone, just those you truly care about.  And sometimes seeing pictures and posts from “friends” (consider pruning, or defriending people you don’t actually know or care about) can make you feel crummy about yourself—stop comparing! If social media brings you down, maybe it’s time to set some limits.

Increase healthy sleep habits:  Refuse to snooze! Get to bed at a reasonable hour. Try not to sleep in on the weekends, which throws off your sleep cycle.

Decrease drinking/drug use: Sure, having a cocktail with a friend to catch up is relaxing and fun, but often times people end up self-medicating to deal with underlying stress, depression, or anxiety.  Try a fun, substance-free activity with a friend, like going to the movies, out to lunch, shopping, or a work out class instead.  If you hang out with the type of people who you only feel comfortable with when you’re boozing, perhaps you need to reconsider your friendship?

HAPPY 2014! MAKE THIS YEAR COUNT

Tis the Season to be Stressed!!!

Holidays stressing you out?

Oh the holidays--what a joyful and exciting time....until you realize that you spend more of it stressed out, overwhelmed, and irritable!  We experience stress as a physical response in our bodies.  What's actually going on?  The adrenal glands release stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, resulting in increased blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing, and we become more alert to sight, hearing, and tensed muscles. Stress prepares our body to take action in the face of danger—many of you have probably heard of fight or flight.  In prehistoric times, a caveman’s body would respond to the threat of a lion, but in todays world, your body still responds the same way, even though the threats have changed.  Instead of running away from a lion, you may be running away from crazed holiday shoppers going after a bargain!

Here are some simple tips to help you manage your stress this holiday season:

Tip #1 DELEGATE TASKS:

You don't have to do it all. Host a holiday party by creating a fun and joyful setting, but ask guests to bring the food. Buy holidays presents, but ask your partner to wrap them...everyone is short on time, and no one is expecting perfection (that's the pressure you're putting on yourself)! Part of being human is being imperfect, so give yourself permission to accept yourself as you are, and let go of the shame and guilt this merry season. 



Tip #2 BE AWARE OF YOUR STRESSORS:

Time management, financial pressures, and unrealistic expectations for the holiday season may put you over the edge!  It seems like as early as Halloween, social media bombards you with messages of cooking, buying toys and gifts, fashion, and decorating.  Everyone wants to make it the most magical holiday ever, but this leads to pressure on yourself and blowing your budget!  Stick to a plan when you go shopping--beautiful displays can be tempting, but making extra purchases can add up quickly....you don't want to be feeling the financial stress of the holidays months later! 



Tip #3 PLAN AHEAD:
You may feel overcommitted and torn in 10 different directions during this time of year, so take some time to create a schedule and write a to-do list.  Only focus on your priorities, and check them off the list (crossing things off your list makes you feel productive and accomplished).  Plan out when you're going to bake, buy gifts, attend a child's school performance, go to your work party, and volunteer. It may be helpful to sit down each night and plan out the following day.

Tip #4 STICK WITH HEALTHY HABITS:

A little indulgence is ok, but binging on party food, desserts, and alcohol will only add to your stress levels...and waistline!  Some helpful tips are never go to a party hungry. If you skip lunch so that you can splurge later, you will mostly likely end up consuming more calories than if you had just eaten your lunch. Try eating a granola bar or yogurt before you head out, that way you are in charge of your hunger! Also, instead of mindlessly shoveling cheese and crackers into your mouth (I know I'm guilty), try a mindful eating exercise.  When you take a bite of food, pay attention to all of your senses and bodily sensations (how does it smell & taste, what does it sound like biting down, what's the texture like, how does it make you feel).  The more mindfully you eat, the less food you'll consume.  Make time for exercise--this may be waking up early to work out if your normal gym time has been replaced with a holiday party, or going for a walk on your lunch break.  And let's be realistic--no one loses weight in December!  A better and more achievable goal may be to maintain your weight and not gain (did you know the average person gains 7-10 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas!?).

Tip #5 DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS:

It's natural human behavior to compare and evaluate yourself against your friends and neighbors, but don't let this build up into a competition, that you most likely can't afford!  Focus on non-material things, like showing love and affection to your partner and family, being supportive, and spending quality time together.  It's the season to be appreciate of what you do have!

Keep these tips in mind to minimize stress and tension and enjoy this festive time of year!

Emotional Affairs: Are You Cheating?

In the media, it seems like a new affair is brought into the limelight every week.  But it’s not just the president, politicians, movie stars, and professional athletes that have been affected by the shattered reality and hurt of infidelity.  Most likely, you or someone you know has been affected by cheating.

So what is infidelity anyway?  I like this definition:

“Infidelity is a sexual and/or emotional act engaged in by one person within a committed relationship, where such an act occurs outside of the primary relationship and constitutes a breach of trust and/or violation of agreed-upon norms (overt and covert) by one or both individuals in that relationship in relation to romantic/emotional or sexual exclusivity.” (Blow & Hartnett, 2005a, p.191-192)

The key here is the breach of trust, and usually the unspoken norms that both partners are expected to uphold.  Certain types of behaviors can violate these norms and emotional infidelity may start out innocently, but has the potential to be just as damaging as physical infidelity.  Obviously sexual and physical acts clearly cross the boundary of your committed relationship, but it’s the emotional infidelity that typically starts on a blurred line. 

What is an emotional affair, and how do you know if you’re having one? 

Usually, an emotional affair starts out with a friendship—it can be someone in the office, a classmate, or even someone you meet online.  The blurred line between friendship and emotional affair occurs when there’s inappropriate behavior that violates your “agreed upon norms” with your partner.  The reality is that everyone is at risk for an emotional affair.  It’s natural and feels good to receive affection and attention, but it’s important to get these needs met by your partner.

Usually, the affair begins when you notice yourself really looking forward to talking to your “friend”—they may make you laugh, or support you through a hard day, or you begin to vent to them about frustrations with your partner.  This behavior becomes problematic because you’re creating an intimate bond with this third person that does not include your partner.  Sometimes you’re having discussions with your “friend” that should really be had with your partner.  If you’re at the point where you can confide in this “friend” about your relationship problems, you’re allowing this person to move in and fill your emotional needs where your partner is lacking.  You may not intentionally be doing this—sometimes it just feels good to vent—but sometimes you may unknowingly be setting your “friend” up to come to the rescue.  Creating this intimacy can lead to strong emotional attachments...and may even lead to some questionable should touching…then hugging…then kissing…and you know where this is going!  By now you should realize they are more than a friend, and that’s not ok.

RED FLAGS that may signal an emotional affair:

1.  You confide in your “friend” about problems in your relationship. You may even talk to him/her first before your partner.
2.  You keep your “friendship” a secret from your partner, or from your friends. Or, if you do bring it up, you keep some parts hidden because they feel inappropriate
3.   You get excited to talk with your “friend,” and may look forward to your time with him/her more than a typical friend
4. You have some flirtatious interactions, or talk about sexual things with your “friend.”  Playful comments should be for your partner…
5. You take your “friend” into account when you’re getting dressed in the morning, and find yourself wanting to appear attractive to him/her
6. You fantasize about your “friend” in a sexual way
7. You text or e-mail your friend at times when you should be with your partner

Listen to your gut. If you notice any of these signs, or there’s a small spark of chemistry that has been growing, you’ve probably entered into an emotional affair.  You may deny your feelings, but if you feel guilty or can’t be totally honest with your partner about your interactions with your “friend, ” then that boundary has been crossed. But it’s not too late!

Actions to take with your “friend”:

1.  If you’re able to, consider completely cutting off the friendship.  Especially if you’re still fantasizing about your “friend,” looking good for them, keeping it a secret, or feeling guilty
2. Create new boundaries—this may mean limiting the amount of time you spend with your “friend,” only being around them with other people present, or limiting your conversation to safe, appropriate topics
3.  No more talking about your relationship problems! That’s for you and your partner to discuss.  Social support is healthy, but find a supporter who you’re not attracted to.

 Actions to take in your relationship:

1.  Acknowledge that you’re dissatisfied in aspects of your relationship
2.  Reflect on your relationship and what emotional and physical needs are not being met by your partner
3. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your needs that are not being met.  There’s a good chance your partner also has some concerns.  Don’t just focus on the negative—point out what’s going well, too.
4. Together, identify 2 or 3 areas to work on.  Discuss steps you can take to feel more connected around these needs
5. Go on a fun date! Even when life gets busy with work, kids, and other commitments, you need to make your relationship a priority.

Remember, strong boundaries= strong relationship!