Is Your Partner "The One?"

Read This Blog To Determine If Your Partner Is Marriage Material!

Are You Ready to Say “I Do?”  The thought of choosing a life-long spouse can be anxiety provoking, especially if you tend to over-analyze the relationship. So how do you know if your partner is “The One?”  To be honest, there is no magic answer to this question!

Everyone has a unique experience, so don’t worry if you don’t have that aha, “You’re my soulmate” moment. But in general, you should feel that you are stronger as a team than as individuals, enjoy spending time with your partner, and feel it is difficult to imagine your future without them. If you’re unsure whether or not your current boyfriend/girlfriend is a lifetime partner, check out this 2-minute video based on psychological research, which highlights some key points to relationship/marital success:

How to know if you should get married

Take a moment to watch the video by yourself and think about the 6 main areas it addresses.  It may be clear to you whether or not you meet the criteria for a potentially happy marriage!  If you’re still looking for more clarity or your partner’s opinion, sit down and watch it together.  Follow it up with a discussion about these key points:

1) How often do you compliment your partner? How often do you criticize your partner? The video suggests this ratio should be 5:1.  If you’re lacking in this area, you can boost your positive reinforcement by making an active effort to appreciate, flatter, praise, and admire your partner.

2) Do you make each other laugh? Does one person laugh at the other’s expense? Finding the same things funny increases your positive experiences together and makes your time as a couple more enjoyable!

3) When you make plans do you say, “I am doing…” or “we are doing…?” “We” shows that you are considerate of your partner and that you choose to include him/her in decision making, whereas “I” may suggest you’re not committed to the relationship or spending time together.  This may be more problematic for the relationship’s future if the man tends to use “I” more than “we.”  If this is the case, discuss it with your partner—he/she may not even realize it’s coming out that way! Try using “I Statements” to address the issue, and out the "I" when you hear it without blaming/attacking.

4) When someone asks you how you met, what is your partner’s response? The video suggests that long, romantic, affectionate, & expansive responses may be related to a happier, longer marriage!

5) What’s your fighting style? It’s normal to have disagreements, but it’s the type of communication you use during those conflicts that matters!  Escalated yelling, swearing, and name-calling are not good signs.  Another big warning sign may be if the male partner tends to withdraw from the argument without rationally discussing the problem.

6) Lastly, the video points out other factors such as getting married younger than age 25, low income, no higher education, different religions, and coming from a divorced family.  These factors may increase the risk of getting a divorce because they can add stress to the relationship.

To end on a positive note, even if you meet one or all of the criteria mentioned on the video, it does not mean that you can’t make the relationship work! Things like complimenting your partner more, using “we” instead of “I,” and changing the way you fight are behaviors that can be adjusted, as long as you are committed to improving the relationship.  Think of these as warning signs that need some attention before you tie the knot.  Realistically, every relationship has problems, but it’s the way you can work together to decrease conflicts and increase satisfaction that will make you and your partner a successful couple!  

Communication Not Working? Try Using "I Statements"

Taking effective communication one step further, I’d like to highlight the importance of using “I statements.”  After finding time and space to sit down and provide your partner with your undivided attention, it’s important to be able to express what’s on your mind without triggering defensive behaviors in your partner.  As soon as your partner becomes defensive, he/she is no longer engaging in active listening, and may likely have a difficult time feeling empathetic.  Of course you can’t control your partner’s emotions, but one key tool to decreasing defensive conversations is the use of “I statements!”

Read the blog below & kiss screaming matches goodbye!

So what is an “I statement” anyway?  “I statements” are:

 -Statements that share a message about how you feel

 -Statements that express how your partner’s behaviors affect you

 -Statements that don’t blame/judge your partner (hostile “You statements” tend to start with “You always…” “You never” “I hate it when you…”)

The best “I statements” address 3 things:

1)    How you are feeling (ex. I feel angry)

2)    What behaviors caused the feeling (ex. I feel angry when I’m shouted at)

3)    Reasoning for the feelings (I feel angry when I’m shouted at because it makes me feel disrespected)

Example: “I feel unappreciated when you stay late at work because it makes me feel like the relationship is not a priority in your life.”  Notice how this "I statement" is more effective than a “You statement,” such as, “You always stay late at work and never 

make time for us.”  This “You statement” puts blame on the partner without addressing the underlying feelings. In addition, words like “always” and “never” are exaggerations that discredit the times when your partner behaves positively.

“I statements” require practice! It’s best to discuss this blog with your partner so that you are both aware of how to rephrase negative “You statements.”  The next time you sit down to talk, try starting your sentences with these:

“I feel, I wonder, I think, I believe, To me it seems like, In my opinion, My concern is, 
When I…”

Break down the communication barriers with "I Statements!"

Effective Communication 101

Although it may sound simple, effective communication skills are one of the biggest determinants of relationship satisfaction.  Miscommunications and not speaking openly with your partner can easily lead to disagreements, resentments, and preventable fights.  When you think of the term “communicating,” you may think of talking and sharing feelings, however effective communication involves many more skills!  Let’s break it down:

Steps of Effective Communication

1)    Attending: This requires you to physically orient yourself towards your partner to demonstrate that you are serious about listening and paying attention.  It’s important to find a comfortable space where you can talk openly.  By eliminating distractions (i.e., turning off the TV, closing your lap top, stop sorting laundry), you are showing your partner that you are interested in what they have to say, and you are ready to speak about your thoughts and feelings.  Attending involves using both verbal and non-verbal behaviors.  For example, body posture, head nodding, and consistent eye contact shows that you are following along and invested in the conversation

2)    Paraphrasing: Repeating back to your partner what he/she just said shows that you are paying attention and that you truly comprehend what was shared.  Rephrasing comments provides your partner with the opportunity to hear what he/she just said and to correct or adjust the statements so that he/she can be clear about the content of the statement. 

For example, Bob says “I feel really angry when you question my intentions.”  Mary responds with a paraphrase, “So you feel angry when I question your intentions.” Bob follows up with, “Well I guess not angry, it’s more hurt that you don’t trust me.”  Paraphrasing allows Bob to decipher that he actually feels hurt, not angry.  It may initially sound silly to repeat small sentences, but with practice you may notice that you are finally understanding each other instead of jumping to conclusions or interpreting your partner’s statements in ways that he/she did not intend.  Think of paraphrasing as clarification.  When you’re feeling annoyed with a partner, it’s easy to put your own spin on what he/she said by interpreting it with a negative connotation, so by paraphrasing you can make sure that you’re both on the same page! 

3)    Empathizing: Empathy is a concept that may be easy to understand, but difficult to put into practice—especially when you are in a fight or think, “I’m right and you’re wrong!” Being empathetic means connecting with another by inferring how the other person thinks, feels, and experiences.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and try to experience the same emotions as them so that you can accurately understand his/her feelings (maybe think of a time you felt similarly).  Demonstrating empathy requires anopen mind—you must temporarily let go of your own feelings (i.e., anger, frustration, confusion, annoyance) and attempt to understand how your partner feels/experiences the situation.  A good example of empathy is when you are so completely absorbed in a movie that you actually feel the pain or happiness of the characters (sometimes you might even cry…)!  If done correctly, empathy increases understanding and acceptance…which leads to problem solving.

4)    Summarizing: After giving your partner a turn to speak, summarize the main points that have been discussed.  Make sure to give your partner a chance to clarify any points or to provide feedback that your summary is accurate.

Together, these 4 steps (sometimes called active listening) create effective communication!  When you first sit down to speak, there needs to be an understanding that each partner will have an equal time to talk.  As the listener, it’s important not to interrupt unless it is for clarification/paraphrasing purposes.  Keep in mind, you will have your own time to discuss your feelings, so when your partner is talking give him/her your undivided attention and listen empathetically.  Now stop reading this blog and go try out some new effective communication!