Want A Boyfriend? Let HIM Work For It!

Trying and failing to land a boyfriend? Struggling to lock him down? Sleeping with him in hopes he wants something more? If you can’t seem to reach the boyfriend-girlfriend title, you may be making some dating mistakes:

Mistake #1: Coming on too strong—Let him pursue you, he likes the chase!
Mistake #2: Sleeping together too soon—You want to get put in the girlfriend category, not hook up rotation!

This may be hard for feminists to hear (and it’s difficult for me to write, as in most aspects of life I am all about breaking down gender roles), but when it comes to dating early on (I’m talking about the first 1-5 dates), you may have the most success if you allow the man you are interested in to pursue you.

He wants to feel masculine, he wants to work for you, he likes a chase. 

This may be really hard if you are a confident, go-getter, independent woman (cue Destiny's Child's song), but there is something to be said for the initial chase of a new relationship.

I don’t believe in playing games or creating rules around dating, but I have definitely noticed a pattern in getting past the second or third date.  If this is when he plays the disappearing act, you may be sending the wrong message.

From personal experiences of trying all different approaches, as well as counseling many women and men through dating drama, I have found that those who make it from a first date to an exclusive dating relationship typically take on masculine and feminine roles.  I’m not saying to change your personality or be someone you’re not—this person is ultimately trying to get to know you, so be comfortable in your own skin! However, there may be little ways to tweak your behavior if you keep having similar failed experiences.

If you really like to take control, plan dates, or tend to come on too strongly (either sexually or through emotional attachment), try some of these tips to increase femininity without changing who you are:

You can still initiate contact during online dating—by all means be the first to check out his profile, send a “flirt” or initial message. Show him you’re interested by making flirtatious comments or entice him by saying you’ll tell him more when you meet in person, but ultimately let him be the one to ask you out. You should also allow him to plan the first date. If he catches your eye when you're out and about, flash a smile or hold lingering eye contact. These are signals that you're interested and available.

Another early on dating mistake is sleeping together too quickly.  Typically, men love sexual tension, and although they may want to sleep with you from the get go, allow this tension to build until at least a few dates, or you decide to see each other exclusively.  This is a great way to keep him interested. 

As a woman, you can still be a sexual tigress—feel free to show a bit of skin, send flirtatious texts, touch his hand or thigh—this will drive him wild! But don’t sleep with him right away.  Sometimes women put so much pressure on themselves, or want a relationship so badly, that they put out too quickly in hopes it will land a boyfriend.  In reality, this can make the man view you as a hook up instead of a girl he wants to bring home to his mother! Remember, get in the girlfriend category and not a hook-up category.

Again, I know this view is old fashioned, but I’ve personally seen it work in my own love life and in my client’s experiences.  As a woman, you can still be confident and flirtatious, but some degree of hard to get is a sexy challenge that will work in your favor. Allow the man to court you—it gives him a sense of pride and accomplishment. 

In terms of dating, first, there is a sense of attraction, then building comfort and trust (through getting to know each other on a date, through touch and non-verbal behaviors), and next comes seduction. Interestingly, research has found that women tend to need a minimum of seven hours of building a relationship in order to develop an emotional and intellectual connection (things like shared interests and values) before they consent to sexual activity.

There’s a good chance that if you sleep together too quickly and he no longer pursues you, your self-esteem may take a hit, leaving you feeling let down and disappointed.  Plus, science has discovered that during and after sex, women release hormones that cause higher levels of post-sex attachment than in men.  You may be setting yourself up for a let down. 

Sometimes women think men will like them more if they show them they are good in bed, but ultimately you want this man to respect you, get to know who you really are, and give him time to decide if you are girlfriend material.  Equally, the first few dates are time for you to figure out if he is a good match for you.  So much about dating is about both connection and timing. Ultimately, you want to be going out with men who you know are open to a relationship and are just looking for the right gal!

And as always, there are always exceptions—people can successfully transition from sex on the first date to a happy marriage.  There is no foolproof formula to dating, so my take away advice is that if you’ve been unsuccessful thus far, try some new (more feminine) behaviors!

THE BREAK DOWN TO GETTING THROUGH A BREAK UP!

Going through a break up? Here’s a quick break down to breaking up:

DONT’S

Beg/plead/bargain to get back together—you shouldn’t have to convince someone that they should be with you. The right person will recognize you are a catch!

Drunk dial your ex—you’ll regret it in the morning

Self-medicate with drugs/alcohol

Lure your ex back with sex—the fleeting physical intimacy won’t mend your broken heart

Spend hours stalking your ex on social media

Show up at your ex’s house unannounced

Contact him/her in moments of weakness—that’s what friends are for

Put your ex on a pedestal—in your mind, you may be highlighting all of their wonderful qualities, but there are likely many things that bugged you or you wish you could change

Compare every new person you date to your ex—if your ex was really that amazing, you’d still be dating but ultimately something was wrong with your relationship

Rebound with every person that shows you attention—ultimately you may just feel worse about yourself (and no one likes STDs)

DO’s          
Get support from your besties & bros—you’re not a burden, this is what friends are for

Cry if you need to—there’s no shame

Give yourself permission to wallow in sadness for a distinct period of time—grab your ice cream and sweat pants! After a few days, if you miss work, isolate yourself from friends/family, and stop doing activities you enjoy, you may want to seek professional support

Pick up a new hobby, like boxing or a cooking class

Reconnect with old friends

Invest yourself in work—set new career goals

Keep a busy schedule because down time is usually the hardest

Drink responsibly in a social setting, not alone in your room

Give yourself time and space to process your emotions—you can try journaling, bibliotherapy (reading books/blogs), or talking to a counselor

Remove your ex from social media and shared accounts

Create space by not talking to or seeing your ex—aim for two months, then reevaluate communicating if you’re still obsessing over it (at this point, you may not even remember his/her name)! Be weary that connecting with your ex may trigger intense emotions and you might take steps backwards

Accept that no matter the reason for the break up, the outcome is still the same—you’re broken up and the relationship on some level was broken

Accept that when your ex ended the relationship, they were choosing to live their life without you. You deserve someone who recognizes the awesomeness that you are and who can’t live without you!

Create your own closure with positive self-talk—tell yourself that you deserve better and that someone will be lucky to have you

Accept that you can’t control other people—you can only control yourself and your reaction to them

Start dating again when you feel ready

Be optimistic that time is the best cure for a broken heart

STOP DATING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN! 'Nuff said.

Stop investing time and energy into an emotionally unavailable man! Think it’s going well and then you get the “fade away” or “disappearing act”? What’s up with that? I’ll tell you—he’s not emotionally available! Having lots of hot sex but when it comes to meeting your friends, he’s conveniently busy? He’s not available!

This guy may be looking to take a car out for a test drive, but when it comes to buying the car, he doesn’t pull the trigger.  It’s frustrating! But you are a sexy Lamborghini, my friend, and more than just a fun joy ride!

He should be pursuing you, making plans with you, and calling/texting you.  Don’t make excuses for his behavior. If he lacks confidence, or is shy, you can always take the reigns by letting him know you’re interested (either directly, or through indirect flirtatious behavior/conversation/body language), but if he doesn’t take the bait, sadly, he’s just not that into you.

So how do you know if he’s into you? He will accommodate your schedule to hang out, he will be eager to meet your friends & family, and he will excitedly make future plans with you.  If he’s mature, he may tell you upfront that he digs you!

If he’s emotionally available, he will not blow you off or flake on you, he will put in effort to win your affection, he won’t be scared off by “future” talk (that’s not permission to tell him you want to get married next month and have his babies, but he should be cool with making plans for next week or month).

Now the hard part—if you’re picking up on red flags that he’s emotionally unavailable, DITCH HIM! Baaah-Bye. He’s not worth your time. Sure, some women hang around long enough until their man realizes they are worth committing to, but I’ve heard too many story of women clinging on for dear life, only to feel disrespected, unappreciated, and taken advantage of later. Walk away with your head held high and find a man with a green light!

““Men are like cabs. When they’re available their light goes on. They wake up one day, they decide they are ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up, boom, that’s the one they’ll marry. It’s not fate. It’s dumb luck.”

— Sex and the City

DESSERT DETOX!

Nighttime splurges making you feel guilty all day? Maybe it’s time for a DESSERT DETOX! 

Just like drug addiction, research shows people may be unable to resist cravings to eat junk.  Pleasure areas of the brain light up in response to sugar, similar to the response people have to alcohol and drugs—which helps explain why some people may be unable to resist cravings—hello chocolate!

Have you failed at many attempts to have just "one bite"? Do you hit the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s before you can say Chunky Monkey? Trust me, you’re not alone! As you're savoring a spoonful of a giant brownie sundae, it tastes like heaven, but after you’re done licking the bowl clean, the pleasure disappears, and you’re left feeling bloated and unhappy. 

There is good news—you can kick your sugar habits! Your brain wires itself to fire neurons that signal pleasure when it’s used to a routine (my routine=9pm froyo when I relax on the couch after work). Thankfully, your brain is a fascinating thing that can rewire itself to learn new habits. If you replace your sugar overloads with healthier options, your brain can strengthen these new connections over time...it's possible you may crave broccoli one day! 

What are your options? You could cut dessert out cold turkey, or if this sounds intimidating, try reducing the frequency of indulgences. If you’re into an every night delight, try dessert only 3 nights per week—you can replace these “off” nights with another type of delight that also ignites the pleasure region of the brain…and burns calories instead of loads them on (wink wink).  Plus, the less often you eat sugar, the less of it you need to consume to enjoy it. Just like in drug tolerance, we need to eat more and more to get the same sugar high!

If you're an emotional eater, challenge your compulsions by telling yourself that a binge is just instant gratification, but won't make you happy in the longterm. Stop hating yourself and your choices! Think of how happy and guilt free you will feel when you load your body up on healthy options—food is a fuel to make your body run, and veggies and lean protein are your premium gas!

No one is in control 100% of the time. A splurge here and there—sure, you deserve it, enjoy! In fact, give yourself permission every once in awhile (and no, "once in awhile" is not nightly, nice try)! But if you’re waking up feeling guilty on a daily basis, maybe it’s time to make some changes.  Be aware of the legitimate food-mood connection. There’s enough things in life that can bring you down, so don’t let impulsive sugar binges add to your weekly stress!